Where did I go wrong?

How to even begin since it's been so long. Let's start by saying this is intensely needed in order for me to even begin to try to get back to center. Other than the fact that it seems nothing I do is adequate or acceptable, I am a whole big ball of lost. We moved to our new house 4 months ago, got everything unpacked and decorated. But it still does not feel like home. I don't know if it ever will. The people are very nice, we have made a few friends, but there is just something not completing the puzzle for me. I will let you know when I find out what that is.

Ryan and I are.........well we just are. We're not necessarily good, though not bad either. We're just.........here. Strangely I'm content with that for right now since so many other things are going on, I don't want to add any marital drama to the mix. I'm not angry, but not thrilled either. Maybe this is what it feels like when the peak of happiness in your relationship has hit and now you are starting to journey on into just being with each other. Six years is a long time to feel each other out though, don't you think?

Gus, I believe may explode one day from his weight. I have no idea how this damn dog is getting up all those stairs everyday and still have enough energy to jump on my bed at night. I am starting to get concerned for his health. But I must not be too concerned yet, because exercising him means I need to exercise too and I just don't see that happening any time soon. Thankfully though, I am not having his same issues. I think I may have actually lost a few pounds. Who knew that walking up and down three sets of stairs everyday to do laundry and clean would make me lose weight.

Alex, aaahhh, he is my golden baby. I love that little kid so much I could pop him like a pimple. He listens and helps me with chores and he does what I ask him to. Oh and he has been using the potty recently! I love his smile, he laughs everyday. The Lord truly blessed me when he gave me that child. I am so thankful for him. My life would be so much more unbearable if it wasn't for him. In alot of ways he reminds me of my mom. Kinda quiet, not really a big people person, but when he really likes you, he is so warm and sweet. Loves to hug and gives you these looks like you're the only person in the world he cares about. I hope he never changes that.

Now on to William. I don't know what I am going to do with this child, but hopefully God intervenes before I ship him out to a military school in another country. Don't get me wrong I love that little boy like there's no tomorrow, but sometimes he makes me want to rip each and every hair out of my head. Technically I know I have no one really to blame but myself. I know I should have done some things different. I guess with him I just felt like I needed to spoil him when he was the only one because his daddy left so much and I had so much to stress about. I know my temper got the best of me and maybe that's why he acts the way he does. It's not fair to yell and get so frustrated so fast when he does something wrong. But I guess I convinced myself that since he's four now, he should know the rules. They haven't changed. When does the pushing limits thing stop? I need some direction, am I just desperately trying to hold onto this hope that he doesn't have a problem? Maybe he really needs to talk to a therapist, because obviously he won't talk to me or his dad about what is really going on and why he's so angry.

If you're wondering why I keep saying he has anger issues, let me explain. Will started school in August and since his first day he has gotten in fights with four other kids. Well wait, you can't call it a fight when he's the only one hitting can you? He hits kids all the time, he yells at his teacher, he refuses to participate during class activities, and he throws tantrums in the middle of class. Where did I go wrong? He knows that's unacceptable behavior, and I guess looking back the signs were there that he has an aggression problem. But how do I fix this, is it too late for me to find a solution? Someone please guide me in the right direction.

Hope everyone has had a great summer and let's hope that next post isn't so gloomy