Amazing things, life changing things.....

While I am not sure if anyone even reads this blog, I even forget that it exists sometimes, I find it important to visit on here every so often to remind myself of where I have been, and where I am now. It is extremely clear to me that the person who last wrote in here 7 months ago, is not the same person I am today by any means. There have been amazing things, life changing things going on and I have learned so much that it astounds me. 7 months ago I was still struggling with the fact that our family was losing so many people so fast. As of now, while I head into my 26th year of life, I realize that though we have lost 5 people in the last 10 months, I am stronger now than I was then. I have fought my second battle with cervical cancer, it was not a question of if I will beat this, but how soon will I beat this. The fact that through all the trials and tribulations I have been facing this last decade of my life, I still think of everyday as the best day, is undoubtedly poignant on my position of how to face a challenge. Head on with no doubts and no regrets.

I have the most amazing support system in my life. It took me a while to realize exactly what I had, what I always had, and I have been let down by people I never thought I would be let down by, but that does not give me the right to topple over and make my life miserable. While there were times I considered myself to be depressing, vapid, and lackluster, I realize that I cannot be happy all the time, but that does not give me the right to not be appreciative of the blessings I have. I have a house of my own, a car that works, food on my table, clothes in my closet, and shoes on my feet. But all that would mean nothing if I did not have my family and my own free way of thinking. I have the ability to make decisions on my own, and raise my children the way I see fit, those are more important than anything in my closet, on my finger, or seen from the road. There are so many people who expect others to only see things their way, I am not republican or democratic, right wing or left wing, tea party, or anything else. I agree with certain points from all of them. But let me ask this question, why does it bother people so much what another person thinks or does in their own home? Does it directly effect your life? Does it specifically harm you in any way?

I decided to try an experiment a few months ago while still going through treatment. I tried to get as many people as I could involved and was slightly disappointed at the fact that no one read what I was trying to do before saying no. But I will not force them to do what I want either. The experiment was to show a form of acknowledgement towards all people you came in contact with. With all the recent people feeling underappreciated and feeling as though to get the attention they needed, they had to do something drastic and harm themselves, I felt that just by acknowledging random people, they wouldn't feel so invisible. It was purely just to focus on others and not ourselves. It was hard to see that there were so many unaccustomed to pure genrosity and kindness without any alterior motive. In that time I had the chance to reflect on how I dealt with kindness and I realized that, I get so wrapped up in the things going on in my life that drag me down, I don't give myself the chance to see the things that could bring me up. So I decided to change. I finally started living, while I was going through a part of me dying. It has been magical, and though there have been some very tough times lately, I am finding more strength in me than I ever thought I had. I am looking for the lesson to be learned rather than the loss I have suffered. I encourage all of you to try it sometime.....there have been amazing things happening.

Wow, time has flown by!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote in July. My grandfather unfortunately passed away on my parents 30th anniversary on August 8th. It was extremely hard on my dad, I flew down to Arkansas to be there for him. It was Will's first day of school August 10th, I got to see him off, but my flight left before he got home so I didn't get to see him after. He was really excited about it, but he said the first few days was boring cause all they talked about was rules. He has been in school full-time for almost 4 months now. He is reading, writing, doing math, and he even got into a special science group because he is so advanced in it. He turned 5 in September, he is just too grown up. He amazes me everyday.

At the beginning of this month Ryan's grandmother, Granny Gee, passed away. They tell you a death can either bring out the best or worst in families, I have noticed that with ours only seems to bring the bad. People disown people, they start fights, they make idiotic comments in front of strangers, or bring up family drama that has been supposedly dead for years. I did not have my children go to either of our families funerals because of these exact reasons. I wanted to shelter them from being a part of the mass chaos that has ensued and also seeing a dead body at such a young age is traumatic for a child.

Alex is going to be three next month, he talks so much, and he is almost fully potty trained. I think it will be harder to let him go than it was Will. He seems to depend on me and want me more than Will ever did. They are both super smart and can do so many things. Thanksgiving was yesterday and this is the first year we did not spend it with Ryan or our family. Ryan is currently on Alert, which is like a mini deployment, and we couldn't afford to go down to see our families this year. It was still wonderful and we were blessed to have friends who let us share with them and their family on the holiday.

I started putting up decorations for Christmas this afternoon. I'm not putting up all of them one, because I'm afraid to get on the ladder to hang the lights up on the outside of the house, and two the boys and I think that we should wait to do the tree until daddy can be here to do it with us. They love helping him put on ornaments. Well, I better start figuring out what to do for dinner. There was my little update about everything going on with us. Hope you guys had wonderful holidays and found many things to be thankful for.

since when did this year get so crappy?

I am in an emotionally tough spot at the present moment. There is so many things going on I don't know if/how to keep up. One of my friends is hurting, and I know that there is really nothing I can do, but surely there is some way to ease their pain? My grandfather is very sick, but how can I be there for him, when we have never really had any kind of relationship? My oldest son is about to go to full time school in a few weeks, I don't know how to handle being away from him all day 5 days a week. Can I get some guidance here? My husband got a promotion at his job, which I am so grateful for, but now they want to change his schedule when it took us six months to get it changed to this one. It seems no matter what is going on, somehow I always find a way to get put on the hard road.

I am ok with that sometimes, you can learn alot of being on that road to begin with, but just once, can anything be easy? I am so thankful for everything we have. I even discussed it with Ryan yesterday. From five years ago to today, we are in a completely different life and mindset. That's amazing, but still. No one can prepare you or how quickly change will come or how it will take shape upon your life. This is kind of extreme don't you think?

So what can I learn from everything going on right now. With my grandfather I need to learn understanding. I think this situation is teaching me, that feeling indifferent about how to react is ok and bound to happen. But because I am compassionate, loving, and willing, maybe somehow this situation will heal our relationship. With my friend, I need to learn to let go. I can be there to talk to him and listen when he needs to vent,but I can't take on all the responsibility to try and fix his problems when I know I don't have it in me to do so.

I also need to learn to let go with my son. It is hard to watch him grow up, and be more independent, but I can't be selfish and keep him with me all the time. I know he loves school and he will do amazing. With my husbands job, I need to learn control. Things aren't always going to go the way I want them to, his job is how we are able to do everything we do. I need to learn to not get so upset about when he has to work, even if its 7 days a week 12 hour shifts, like it has been. There are just some things, I can't control, and it's hard to deal with that, but you have to make do.

I hope that somehow I find strength and understanding sooner rather than later, because emotionally I am just too drained to keep it up the way I have been. I hope everyone is being safe, and remember to be grateful for what you do have, you never know when it will change.

truth in relationships

I often find myself wondering why it is that when I see someone being dishonest in a relationship, I feel the need to uncover their lies? This seems to be a problem for the person being lied to, obviously I'm creating a problem for the liar, and yet I am the one getting in trouble for being honest? Somewhere along the way in life our society made it socially acceptable to be lying, scandalous, worthless pieces of shit. When did this kind of serious thing become a social acceptance? Should I, from now on, just pretend to like you and believe that what you're saying is true even though I know it is 100% false? Should I make that kind of person acceptable to be around my kids and myself when they drive me to want to vomit?

Somehow during the course of uncovering the truth and proving to the other person that I have absolutely no benefit by lying about this, I get accused of being a stupid, ignorant, bitch who seems to be insecure about myself and my relationship. This just made me laugh. Do you hear yourself? Do you see how absolutely idiotic and repugnant you sound by writing this crap? I am in a 7 year long relationship that includes a marriage and 2 beautiful kids. Why the hell should I be worried? Everyone who knows my husband knows his morals and his unwillingness to do anything that would make him a bad person. Even he was telling you what I said was true!

I have come to almost feel sorry for you, but then I think of all the reasons why I shouldn't, and one day when you catch him by walking in on it, I still don't think you would leave. He has lost his best friend, and at least three others he could have had if he didn't already, and now you have lost the same. The walls will come crashing down, everything will fall apart and no one is to blame but yourself. So once again, when did it become socially acceptable to be a liar and a cheat? Are the original institutes of marriage no longer applicable? Why is it that people who have a good, solid, marriage, or even just a good, solid relationship can no longer make the news?

We have alot to change in this country, but the only way for a real change, has to start with you. So I am no longer going to try and be there for you, help you, or listen to your incessant need to put everyone else down because you know your world is falling apart. I am going to make sure, even moreso than I do now, that my husband knows just how much he is appreciated and loved. That I take time everyday to hug and kiss my little princes to death, and never leave them wondering if they were loved enough. I know I am amazing, I know I am wonderful, and I know I don't need or want anyone in my life who doesn't think so too. Good luck to you, maybe one day you will see what you have turned yourself into.

It's all too fast.......

You heard me right. For once, in all my life, the one who plans everything waaayyyy in advance, who usually has a plan for every situation, I truly am scared of what's happening right now. My boys are getting their big boy beds delivered in the morning. I don't think I am ready for this part of growing up. No more baby/toddler beds, no cute little blankets, or sweet music thingys playing in their rooms at night. When did the time sneak up on me like that? I don't know how I feel about all this change so quickly. Obviously I have to suck it up and just deal with it, but seriously?!?! I just didn't think it would be happening so soon.

Will is going to be five this year. FIVE!!! He starts kindergarten right before his birthday. He can speak a little Spanish and we are teaching him German now too. My baby is growing up so fast I just feel like I'm not ready to let him go to all day school yet. He is such a little man sometimes it's hard to believe I'm really his parent. It's so surreal to know that a lot of the things he knows is because of all the things Ryan and I talk to him about. He's just so smart and funny. I know he is going to do something really great.

Alex is going to be three this year, and we are working on potty training. My little nutter butter is moving to a big boy bed and starting to not wear diapers anymore? Yesterday he was still not ready to walk and talk yet. What happened? I am absolutely petrified to face this reality. This must have been how my mom felt when I got married and moved across the country and started having babies of my own. But I don't feel like I'm as strong as her.

My boys are my everything. Forget the drama, forget the bull shit, forget the stupid clothes or new furniture, or new cars, or whatever money has been able to provide for us. There have been times where I have wished I would have waited a little longer to have kids, just so I could feel like I had some freedom to go wherever without having to get everything ready an hour before "trying" to leave. But then they tell me they love me. That I'm the best "cooker" ever. That I look beautiful, and I'm ashamed that I would ever want to wish for anything but this everyday.

Sure they stress me out sometimes, what kid doesn't do that to their parents? But honestly, screw what anybody else thinks or says. I know I am a great mom. Not good, great. Because I love my boys with everything I have, so much sometimes, I cry. I do everything I can to make sure they get an education and they eat right. But mostly I let them know I love them with all of my heart and I would do anything for them that I could. That is a great parent, and I don't need a single person to reaffirm that for me. I can see it in their eyes when they look at me, or when they smile in their sleep after I have given them a kiss when I check on them.

To my William and Alexander, you have given me everything I could ever want and I don't know how on earth I could make it one more minute without you in my life. You have taught me better than any teacher, loved me better than any other person, and I just wish I could keep you like this forever so you never leave me. My beautiful boys. I love you.

Mommy

I feel like dancing!!!

I am not exactly having a good week, but for some reason I really want to go and dance somewhere with my friends and have a great time. I need a break from all the crap happening lately. I decided to get my boobs done, which is so amazing, but I have an infection in my left one, which they are treating with anti-biotics and rest. I am worried I might start running a fever and it could spread but then again I am a hypochondriac so it makes sense for me to feel this way. So this weekend, since Ryan has weekend duty, I am taking the kids and going to KC and just taking a break.

I am going to catch up with old friends and have a drink and dance my worries away. It's been a long time since I've been able/decided to do that. I can't wait!! I am just ready for the break from reality and feeling good about myself to start up again. I just need to take a minute to slow down and mentally disappear. What makes it so great is I have a husband who completely understands and respects that I need that and is 100% supportive. He even lets me indulge in my little crushes on boy bands I see on tv with the kids.

Will is doing great in karate and starting to settle down, kinda. He is mine and Ryans kid so that doesn't last long though. Alex is so amazing, we started potty training, and so far he is ok and not scared but we need to work on timing a little bit more. I leave for my girls cruise soon, and I am so excited to do a bunch of things I have never done before. Like, be on a boat, go to Mexico, maybe go zip-lining? Who knows what I will decide to do. I get to see ancient ruins and just enjoy my family's company. No bath times or bedtimes, or school schedule to worry about. I am glad I get to do this.

Hope everyone has been doing good and they are ready for spring. It's here it's here!!

HI-YAAAHHHH!!!

Just thought I would start this one off with a bang ya know? My 4 year old is now my bodyguard, so if there is anything negative you need to discuss with me, you can take it up with him. Why is he my bodyguard you may ask? Because he is now a white belt in karate and knows how to break a board with his bare fist. That's right I said it, ok so a white belt is only a beginner but it's better than knowing nothing at all right?

Other than that tidbit of information, I really am not happy today. I was planning to go down to kc and spend the weekend with my family since Ryan has to work, but nooo, the weather decided to go and start being nasty. So instead I went to the grocery store and realized after getting there and starting to shop, how am I supposed to pick up the bottle of detergent when I can't lift over five pounds? Or the dog food bag? If I did get someone to help me get them in the cart, then how was I supposed to get them in my car/ house when I got home? This is causing a slight dilemma for me.

My stitches come out next friday, ok I just realized I didn't explain why I have stitches. I had surgery on valentine's day. Nothing major just something that I felt would make me feel better about myself and in turn help me when I am around others. No one pushed me to do it, it was for me and only me, it has nothing to do with attention or whatever anyone else would like to claim. It was solely something for me. For once I did something that had nothing to do with anyone else or their feelings or their thoughts, and it feels great to know I can make decisions without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

I am going on a cruise with my mom, aunts, and nana in about 6 weeks and I am soo excited for the break from being mommy. Not that I don't love it because there is no greater moment than when my boys cover me in kisses and tell me they love me so much. But sometimes I just want to sleep in, and be able to eat my food without anyone asking for any of it, and I can go wherever I want without loading up the kids and having to watch them like a hawk so they don't touch or break anything. It will be a nice break and it's just us girls. Plus it's my first time to mexico!!

I am hoping Ryan doesn't have to work all day everyday this weekend, I kinda miss him. I would like to have a moment or two of his time. C'est la vie.