So for the last couple of days, every once in a while I keep hearing my doorbell ring, but when I go to the door no one is there. Either the kids in my neighborhood are pulling pranks or I am seriously hearing things. Apparently I hear stuff all the time. I heard the boys talking last night but when I went to check on them they were both completely passed out. I hear the tv on but when I walk through the house there isn't one on. Am I losing my mind?
On another note, I have been watching the show "A Baby Story", seeing all these women give birth to such beautiful children is heartbreaking to me. Because I really feel like I should have one more. Ryan want's nothing to do with that conversation, but I really want just one more. It doesn't even matter to me anymore if it's another boy or a girl. I just want to try one more time.
I have been pregnant 5 times and only have 2 boys. You do the math why he doesn't want to do this anymore. I know my pregnancies were rough, but I really have a strong feeling if we try just one more time it will be different. Especially since there will be space between pregnancies for once. I know that there is no way he will ever want to have this discussion, but something is telling me that I need to do this.
My kids are hectic and drive me crazy, but there is nothing I have loved more than being their mom. Does anyone else understand what I'm feeling? It's like there is something inside me that says I need to do this. Maybe I just haven't gotten over the loss of my little girl. Alex was supposed to be a twin and at 18 weeks I lost her. Maybe there is a deep feeling of need because I was so close and it got taken away from me. This is one of those moments where I could use my husband and my mom for comfort. Of course neither one are here or can get here quickly, today is going to be a somber day.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
who's spawn is living in my house?
I know it sounds really bad for me to title this blog that way, but I can't figure out for the life of me who's kids these are. I will be the first to admit I was a horrible teenager, maybe not the worst, but certainly not the best. My husband was a brat until he was two and then he shaped up really great from there on out. So why, I ask you, why are my children acting like the spawn of the devil?
They won't listen or do anything they're told, which is understandable for the one year old, but the three year old not so much. I get told daily that I am hated and mean and they don't like me. So what am I supposed to do? Pretend that I don't hear it when it breaks my heart? Or punish it and continue to be the bad guy all the time? A little advice is so needed and very much appreciated right now. I am so disliked in my house right now that even whales I haven't met yet don't like me.
Let me explain. When Ryan got on webcam earlier this week to talk to me and the kids, we told the boys that we would be going to a special zoo when daddy got home. So now, that's all Will talks about. Today I asked him, "Will, what do you want to do when your daddy gets home?" Here is his priceless answer. "I want to go to the special zoo and go up to the whale and say, 'hey whale can I get a ride?', 'sure', 'ok', then he will give me a ride and and then we will go home. But you can't come mommy." "Why not?" "Because the whale doesn't like you."
I can't even get a freaking whale who is having imaginary conversations with my three year old to want to enjoy my company. I think it is a sign, I am not a cool person. You spend your whole life trying to be cool and then right when you think you've got it down, you have a kid and you realize even before they're teenagers that you will never be as cool as you want them to think you are. I have officially given up my coolness card, because apparently I will never be as cool as I think I am.
They won't listen or do anything they're told, which is understandable for the one year old, but the three year old not so much. I get told daily that I am hated and mean and they don't like me. So what am I supposed to do? Pretend that I don't hear it when it breaks my heart? Or punish it and continue to be the bad guy all the time? A little advice is so needed and very much appreciated right now. I am so disliked in my house right now that even whales I haven't met yet don't like me.
Let me explain. When Ryan got on webcam earlier this week to talk to me and the kids, we told the boys that we would be going to a special zoo when daddy got home. So now, that's all Will talks about. Today I asked him, "Will, what do you want to do when your daddy gets home?" Here is his priceless answer. "I want to go to the special zoo and go up to the whale and say, 'hey whale can I get a ride?', 'sure', 'ok', then he will give me a ride and and then we will go home. But you can't come mommy." "Why not?" "Because the whale doesn't like you."
I can't even get a freaking whale who is having imaginary conversations with my three year old to want to enjoy my company. I think it is a sign, I am not a cool person. You spend your whole life trying to be cool and then right when you think you've got it down, you have a kid and you realize even before they're teenagers that you will never be as cool as you want them to think you are. I have officially given up my coolness card, because apparently I will never be as cool as I think I am.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Random thoughts that plague my mind.......
Why is there an incessant need for me to have chocolate when there is none for me to have? Please explain this to me. I want a snicker bar, simple right? So I walk over to the fridge and open the door and low and behold, there isn't one there!! This is not a funny trick to me, someone could seriously get hurt.
So I do the only natural thing I can think of, I close the fridge door, then open it back up to see if God decided to put one in there this time. Obviously he isn't realizing the severity of the situation. Now I could get shoes on, get the kids socks and shoes on, load them in the car, drive to the gas station, get out, get them out, take them inside, freak cause they won't stop touching things, pay for the snicker bar, get them in the car, drive home, get them out of the car, take their socks and shoes off, sit down and get ready to take a bite of what I have been waiting all day for, then find I have to share.
Seriously, who wants to do all that work? Not only do all that work but then you have to guard it like a lion who just caught a kill for the first time in a week. Why? Why couldn't one have just magically appeared and I could have enjoyed it peacefully and alone while the kids were napping? I have a feeling this next week is not going to go well for people who come in contact with me.
Another thought I had was last night. I had my one year old laying on my chest, because at two o'clock this morning he was screaming his head off and having a horrible time getting to sleep,(He got blood drawn and 4 shots yesterday). Through it all I should have been thinking of ways to try and calm him down, but instead the thought that plagued my mind the whole time was, "why is the ceiling right outside of his door lower than the ceiling in the rest of the hallway?"
I know that is diabolical. I don't even know where to begin on how that is a serious issue, but it really confused me. So there it is the random thoughts that plague my mind.
So I do the only natural thing I can think of, I close the fridge door, then open it back up to see if God decided to put one in there this time. Obviously he isn't realizing the severity of the situation. Now I could get shoes on, get the kids socks and shoes on, load them in the car, drive to the gas station, get out, get them out, take them inside, freak cause they won't stop touching things, pay for the snicker bar, get them in the car, drive home, get them out of the car, take their socks and shoes off, sit down and get ready to take a bite of what I have been waiting all day for, then find I have to share.
Seriously, who wants to do all that work? Not only do all that work but then you have to guard it like a lion who just caught a kill for the first time in a week. Why? Why couldn't one have just magically appeared and I could have enjoyed it peacefully and alone while the kids were napping? I have a feeling this next week is not going to go well for people who come in contact with me.
Another thought I had was last night. I had my one year old laying on my chest, because at two o'clock this morning he was screaming his head off and having a horrible time getting to sleep,(He got blood drawn and 4 shots yesterday). Through it all I should have been thinking of ways to try and calm him down, but instead the thought that plagued my mind the whole time was, "why is the ceiling right outside of his door lower than the ceiling in the rest of the hallway?"
I know that is diabolical. I don't even know where to begin on how that is a serious issue, but it really confused me. So there it is the random thoughts that plague my mind.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
First one to start me off.....
So here we go. I have decided to start this blog to indicate that at this point in my life I am starting a change, in myself. I think at this point in my life I need to start to doing something different instead of just expecting everything in my life to just fall into place.
I am 23 years old, married to a wonderful man, even if we fight over the dumbest things, and mom to two of the most beautiful boys anyone could ever hope for. They may drive me crazy but this year a lot is happening and this blog is going to get me through it. I hope whoever reads this will cheer me on in this first year of change.
Ryan will be home from deployment in a couple of weeks. How do I feel........how do I feel? Nervous, excited, scared, ready, impatient, everything and nothing all rolled into one. I can't wait for him to be home, for him to see the changes in our boys, and in me. It has only been 4 months, but it seems like a lot longer to me. His birthday was yesterday, he didn't get to spend it with us, or even have a beer to celebrate. Just like Christmas and Thanksgiving, and our youngest sons first birthday. That sucks.......for him.
Don't get me wrong it sucks for us too, but we at least had each other and the love of our family and friends back home in Missouri. He has no one, and nothing. I guess I just now realized what he may be going through when he leaves. He literally is all alone in the feelings department. He has to leave his wife and kids to go to a place he doesn't want to go to, to do a job that he enjoys, but not enough to willingly be gone for four months.
That is depressing to me. I guess with all the changes coming this year (i.e. moving to a new base, getting a new house, making new friends......leaving old ones behind, reshaping and recommitting ourselves to our marriage and family.) This year is going to have a lot of change happen.
A little about my family, I have two boys, William who's three and incredibly intelligent, and Alexander who just turned one and has decided to become a daredevil and give mommy a heart attack before he's two. We have one dog, Gus. He is a Rottweiler/German Shepard who hates to be outside for more than 3 minutes and refuses to eat his food until he is sure all the people food is done being passed out for the day.
We have a male betta fish named slinky, why? Because everyone loves a slinky. We have a male African underwater frog named Kermit, (he is Will's and he will make sure you know that), Kermit and Slinky hate each other, they fight all the time and I can't figure out if Kermit pisses him off on purpose because he thinks it's funny or just because he sees his owner do the same thing to Slinky's owner (aka me). We have a male Snail named Old Yeller, he is yellow (hence the name) and he is my husbands. They are very similar in that they usually stay out of confrontation and eat everything they come into contact with.
In case you didn't notice, no where in there did I mention any females. That is because I am the only one. In the whole house........alone. I am Laura, a 23 year old military wife, with 2 kids, and a lot of male animals. At this point with all the testosterone running around my house, I should have grown a penis, but I think God put me in this situation to be the sense of reason, or as I like to refer to myself, "the normal one".
Both mine and my husbands families are in Missouri, we got married at 18, and we are still together, shocking I know, and to top it off we didn't get married because I was pregnant as many speculated. I am outspoken, loud, sensitive, and die-hard about everything I believe in. So here we go to my first blog about my years of change.
I am 23 years old, married to a wonderful man, even if we fight over the dumbest things, and mom to two of the most beautiful boys anyone could ever hope for. They may drive me crazy but this year a lot is happening and this blog is going to get me through it. I hope whoever reads this will cheer me on in this first year of change.
Ryan will be home from deployment in a couple of weeks. How do I feel........how do I feel? Nervous, excited, scared, ready, impatient, everything and nothing all rolled into one. I can't wait for him to be home, for him to see the changes in our boys, and in me. It has only been 4 months, but it seems like a lot longer to me. His birthday was yesterday, he didn't get to spend it with us, or even have a beer to celebrate. Just like Christmas and Thanksgiving, and our youngest sons first birthday. That sucks.......for him.
Don't get me wrong it sucks for us too, but we at least had each other and the love of our family and friends back home in Missouri. He has no one, and nothing. I guess I just now realized what he may be going through when he leaves. He literally is all alone in the feelings department. He has to leave his wife and kids to go to a place he doesn't want to go to, to do a job that he enjoys, but not enough to willingly be gone for four months.
That is depressing to me. I guess with all the changes coming this year (i.e. moving to a new base, getting a new house, making new friends......leaving old ones behind, reshaping and recommitting ourselves to our marriage and family.) This year is going to have a lot of change happen.
A little about my family, I have two boys, William who's three and incredibly intelligent, and Alexander who just turned one and has decided to become a daredevil and give mommy a heart attack before he's two. We have one dog, Gus. He is a Rottweiler/German Shepard who hates to be outside for more than 3 minutes and refuses to eat his food until he is sure all the people food is done being passed out for the day.
We have a male betta fish named slinky, why? Because everyone loves a slinky. We have a male African underwater frog named Kermit, (he is Will's and he will make sure you know that), Kermit and Slinky hate each other, they fight all the time and I can't figure out if Kermit pisses him off on purpose because he thinks it's funny or just because he sees his owner do the same thing to Slinky's owner (aka me). We have a male Snail named Old Yeller, he is yellow (hence the name) and he is my husbands. They are very similar in that they usually stay out of confrontation and eat everything they come into contact with.
In case you didn't notice, no where in there did I mention any females. That is because I am the only one. In the whole house........alone. I am Laura, a 23 year old military wife, with 2 kids, and a lot of male animals. At this point with all the testosterone running around my house, I should have grown a penis, but I think God put me in this situation to be the sense of reason, or as I like to refer to myself, "the normal one".
Both mine and my husbands families are in Missouri, we got married at 18, and we are still together, shocking I know, and to top it off we didn't get married because I was pregnant as many speculated. I am outspoken, loud, sensitive, and die-hard about everything I believe in. So here we go to my first blog about my years of change.
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