my poor baby......

Alex is the most clumsy kid on the planet, there is no denying that but he has never been seriously hurt from falling before. The kid is built like a tank, he never cries when he falls down and yet the one time he does, it is extremely serious. The poor kid almost broke his cheekbone and has the worst bruising I have ever seen. It makes me hurt and almost cry just to look at him. I have never felt so bad.

To review what happened, he was walking towards the stairs to the playground in the gym, he tripped over his huge feet, and landed face first into the side of a metal stair. Almost instant swelling and bruising, and the worst cries I have ever heard. My heart literally started breaking. We got rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, he refused to let anyone touch it (obviously), and he has to get x-rays. They went to go take his heart rate and he flipped out so to show him it wasn't scary they put it on me. My heart rate starts at 168 and when they pulled it off it was at 174. I don't know if you know this or not but your heart rate should never be that high.

As a mother, I have never been so scared, worried, terrified, sick, and angry at once. I was scared for him, worried about how bad it was, terrified he would have a serious problem, sick because of how bad it looked, and angry because I felt like it was mine and Ryan's fault. The bruising has only gotten worse the last few days, and I have never wanted to hold him and protect him more than I do now. How do you heal from a broken heart? How do you forgive yourself when something bad happens to your children that you know wasn't your fault?

I love my children more than they could ever know, nothing could ever take their place in my heart, and yet sometimes I feel that maybe I don't deserve them. I am overwhelmed with emotions at this point, feeling a little disheveled, and hoping that just because it looks bad, doesn't necessarily mean that he is in pain. I love you Alexander!!!

Here's to my 2nd year of change

Well, a whole year has come and gone. There have been some rough times, and some great times, but I think I finally did it. I started my changes that I need to make me and my life better. I got rid of a few people who were holding me down, and moved to a whole new state to start a whole new life. My babies are so big, it's crazy that they are a year older. I haven't settled on a new years resolution yet, but I have some good ideas. I will be traveling more this year, I am so grateful for that. I need the time to be without kids. I turn 25 in about five and a half months. Crazy how far I have come from where I was.

I am grateful to the true people who are in my life, for telling me the truth and being a real friend who deserves to be around me and my children. I am shocked by some of the people no longer in my life, but I guess true colors can't hide forever. Alex is two now, crazy, he seems so much older sometimes and so much younger other times. Will is about to finish pre-school and start kindergarten next year, I don't know where the time went. He can spell, and write, and do math. I have never been so proud and shocked at how much he has learned in such a short time.

We have made some great friends so far out here, which I feel is exactly what we needed. We are close enough to see our families whenever we want, but still far enough away to depend on ourselves when things get rough. Christmas was great, the boys got everything they wanted and then some. Alex had his first real birthday party, I am very glad Ryan got to be a part of it. My mom and dad were here to visit and I just soaked it in.

Ryan's brother, Jack came to stay for a few weeks. I am glad the boys got the chance to spend so much time with him. He really is so important to us. I hope everyone was safe and has an amazing new year just like I plan to. Here's to my 2nd year of change everyone!!!