Amazing things, life changing things.....

While I am not sure if anyone even reads this blog, I even forget that it exists sometimes, I find it important to visit on here every so often to remind myself of where I have been, and where I am now. It is extremely clear to me that the person who last wrote in here 7 months ago, is not the same person I am today by any means. There have been amazing things, life changing things going on and I have learned so much that it astounds me. 7 months ago I was still struggling with the fact that our family was losing so many people so fast. As of now, while I head into my 26th year of life, I realize that though we have lost 5 people in the last 10 months, I am stronger now than I was then. I have fought my second battle with cervical cancer, it was not a question of if I will beat this, but how soon will I beat this. The fact that through all the trials and tribulations I have been facing this last decade of my life, I still think of everyday as the best day, is undoubtedly poignant on my position of how to face a challenge. Head on with no doubts and no regrets.

I have the most amazing support system in my life. It took me a while to realize exactly what I had, what I always had, and I have been let down by people I never thought I would be let down by, but that does not give me the right to topple over and make my life miserable. While there were times I considered myself to be depressing, vapid, and lackluster, I realize that I cannot be happy all the time, but that does not give me the right to not be appreciative of the blessings I have. I have a house of my own, a car that works, food on my table, clothes in my closet, and shoes on my feet. But all that would mean nothing if I did not have my family and my own free way of thinking. I have the ability to make decisions on my own, and raise my children the way I see fit, those are more important than anything in my closet, on my finger, or seen from the road. There are so many people who expect others to only see things their way, I am not republican or democratic, right wing or left wing, tea party, or anything else. I agree with certain points from all of them. But let me ask this question, why does it bother people so much what another person thinks or does in their own home? Does it directly effect your life? Does it specifically harm you in any way?

I decided to try an experiment a few months ago while still going through treatment. I tried to get as many people as I could involved and was slightly disappointed at the fact that no one read what I was trying to do before saying no. But I will not force them to do what I want either. The experiment was to show a form of acknowledgement towards all people you came in contact with. With all the recent people feeling underappreciated and feeling as though to get the attention they needed, they had to do something drastic and harm themselves, I felt that just by acknowledging random people, they wouldn't feel so invisible. It was purely just to focus on others and not ourselves. It was hard to see that there were so many unaccustomed to pure genrosity and kindness without any alterior motive. In that time I had the chance to reflect on how I dealt with kindness and I realized that, I get so wrapped up in the things going on in my life that drag me down, I don't give myself the chance to see the things that could bring me up. So I decided to change. I finally started living, while I was going through a part of me dying. It has been magical, and though there have been some very tough times lately, I am finding more strength in me than I ever thought I had. I am looking for the lesson to be learned rather than the loss I have suffered. I encourage all of you to try it sometime.....there have been amazing things happening.