ahhhhh christmastime.

I don't care if me saying christmas is not "politically correct". I don't try to get anyone to not say Happy Hannukah or Happy Kwanzaa, so don't try to change my wording either ok? It has been an interesting few weeks. I have given up on trying to form any kind of relationship with Ryan's family. I can't really get blamed for that after all the things they've said and done to me. I have just hit the end of my rope. I need a break, eventually they will notice that the only reason Ryan ever talks to any of them is because of me. He never wants to call or go see them, but that's all my fault according to them. Why can't we just be family? Why is it always, because I'm the newcomer, everything that doesn't go your way, is my fault. Don't try to deny all of it either, I know you too well.

Anyways, we have been having some problems at Will's school. Some of the kids have been telling Will his daddy is a killer and he will grow up and be one too. What a horrible thing to say to a kid. You know the parents are teaching them that too, kids don't learn those things on their own. It's just not right. So Ryan went up in uniform today to the school to talk about his job and give the kids something to think about. I wonder if it will end once and for all. I think he is doing great now that he's had time to adjust. I am very proud of him. He gets smarter and smarter everyday right in front of my eyes.

Alex is doing good, had a little bit of a stomach problem today, but let's hope it was just one time otherwise it will be a long night in my house. Especially since Ryan is on twelve hour shifts. I need some sleep, I hope that he can sleep good and feel better by tomorrow. Wish me luck on that!!

I am doing ok, this is my favorite time of year, I love to see all the lights and decorations people put up. I like the look of the decorations in my house, it makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. Plus it's a free excuse to drink hot chocolate all the time!!! I can't wait to see the kids faces when they come downstairs christmas morning and see all the presents waiting for them. It makes my year to see them so happy. I feel good, just need some sleep and a relaxing, hot, shower.

Happy Birthday to my dear ol dad!!!

Laura

are past lives real?

I have often wondered if the theory of past lives is real. There are definitely certain periods of time I feel an extreme connection to. I love history, and there quite a few time periods that I feel like perhaps, I may have been there. I have these thoughts about the time and it contradicts some of the things I've heard about it, but then I research and other people have "proof" that my so-called "thought" was correct, it reaffirms my belief that somehow, someway, I must have been there.

Let me explain the time periods I'm talking about. I am 100% completely obsessed with these time periods, and any and all information I can get I have. (I actually spend most of my free time researching these cultures and civilizations.) Ancient Egypt, (mainly the time of Cleopatra and before her, Queen Nefertiti), King Henry VIII, Titanic, Czar Nicholas II, and WWII. Why do I feel like when I hear names from this time, or when I read about anything concerning the time period, I feel like I was there? I have visions, and it almost seems like memories from being in that place.

Sometimes, they are very vivid. I can see what clothes I was wearing, or what the room I was in looked like in detail. Conversations, facial features, speech patterns, topics of conversation, all of it just hits me and I can't get it out of my head. Maybe I'm just going crazy, maybe I have a natural curiosity for those time periods and just feel like since I know so much about them I must be a part of it.

But this brings me back to the original question, do you think past lives are real? Gives you something to think about doesn't it?

searching for myself.....and losing

I have been searching for any trace of my family history for......ever now. As my mom says I should be very proud that I have gone back over 400 years. But somehow I just feel like there is something missing. I know there is more to my life and my family, deep down I know we did something great, I just can't find it. I refuse to believe that we are simply ordinary and have done nothing spectacular, there are too many of us with such big personalities for that to be a reality for me. I did find something spectacular about my mothers side though, I always knew we were native american. Come to find out, one of my great-great-great-great-great grandmothers was a very famous helper to George Washington. I knew we had something amazing in our history.

But somehow I feel this need to continue on, like there's something I am meant to discover and help fix. I need to know where this is going and why me? Why do I feel like this is my destiny, why is it that this is my need and not someone else's? I feel as though I am stuck in a losing battle, no one really keeps records that far back, and there are no records of native americans really. But I need to make sure my boys know who they are and where they came from.

That they have a rich family history, and many people who made a difference somewhere for someone. I want them to be proud and confident knowing that even though our lives aren't the greatest, we tried and that our family is still going strong and we care for each other. I wish I could just have a breakthrough and really get something spectacular uncovered soon. Wish me luck people out there, wish me luck.

Where did I go wrong?

How to even begin since it's been so long. Let's start by saying this is intensely needed in order for me to even begin to try to get back to center. Other than the fact that it seems nothing I do is adequate or acceptable, I am a whole big ball of lost. We moved to our new house 4 months ago, got everything unpacked and decorated. But it still does not feel like home. I don't know if it ever will. The people are very nice, we have made a few friends, but there is just something not completing the puzzle for me. I will let you know when I find out what that is.

Ryan and I are.........well we just are. We're not necessarily good, though not bad either. We're just.........here. Strangely I'm content with that for right now since so many other things are going on, I don't want to add any marital drama to the mix. I'm not angry, but not thrilled either. Maybe this is what it feels like when the peak of happiness in your relationship has hit and now you are starting to journey on into just being with each other. Six years is a long time to feel each other out though, don't you think?

Gus, I believe may explode one day from his weight. I have no idea how this damn dog is getting up all those stairs everyday and still have enough energy to jump on my bed at night. I am starting to get concerned for his health. But I must not be too concerned yet, because exercising him means I need to exercise too and I just don't see that happening any time soon. Thankfully though, I am not having his same issues. I think I may have actually lost a few pounds. Who knew that walking up and down three sets of stairs everyday to do laundry and clean would make me lose weight.

Alex, aaahhh, he is my golden baby. I love that little kid so much I could pop him like a pimple. He listens and helps me with chores and he does what I ask him to. Oh and he has been using the potty recently! I love his smile, he laughs everyday. The Lord truly blessed me when he gave me that child. I am so thankful for him. My life would be so much more unbearable if it wasn't for him. In alot of ways he reminds me of my mom. Kinda quiet, not really a big people person, but when he really likes you, he is so warm and sweet. Loves to hug and gives you these looks like you're the only person in the world he cares about. I hope he never changes that.

Now on to William. I don't know what I am going to do with this child, but hopefully God intervenes before I ship him out to a military school in another country. Don't get me wrong I love that little boy like there's no tomorrow, but sometimes he makes me want to rip each and every hair out of my head. Technically I know I have no one really to blame but myself. I know I should have done some things different. I guess with him I just felt like I needed to spoil him when he was the only one because his daddy left so much and I had so much to stress about. I know my temper got the best of me and maybe that's why he acts the way he does. It's not fair to yell and get so frustrated so fast when he does something wrong. But I guess I convinced myself that since he's four now, he should know the rules. They haven't changed. When does the pushing limits thing stop? I need some direction, am I just desperately trying to hold onto this hope that he doesn't have a problem? Maybe he really needs to talk to a therapist, because obviously he won't talk to me or his dad about what is really going on and why he's so angry.

If you're wondering why I keep saying he has anger issues, let me explain. Will started school in August and since his first day he has gotten in fights with four other kids. Well wait, you can't call it a fight when he's the only one hitting can you? He hits kids all the time, he yells at his teacher, he refuses to participate during class activities, and he throws tantrums in the middle of class. Where did I go wrong? He knows that's unacceptable behavior, and I guess looking back the signs were there that he has an aggression problem. But how do I fix this, is it too late for me to find a solution? Someone please guide me in the right direction.

Hope everyone has had a great summer and let's hope that next post isn't so gloomy

the time is approaching........

I am so ready to get out of this state and so many of the crazy ass people it hath spawned! We move in less than 2 weeks, thank goodness and I am still not packed and we have a BBQ on Friday. I am glad to spend one night with friends and family and people who are truly meaningful and supportive. I am just ready for it to be over.

We closed on our house about a week ago, that was insane. Shortly thereafter Shelby went back home and did all the things she swore she would never do again. I am done with everyone on Ryan's side of the family just about and I don't think anyone can blame me. I hope that this move means the start of a new era. No more broken promises, no more lies, no more tricks and evil intentions. I have no room for that in my life. I certainly don't want my kids around such things or people.

Speaking of the kids, Will is growing like a freaking weed! I barely recognize my own son and sometimes have to think about how old he is because of how tall he is and how well he talks. I am so proud. Alex is getting big too. These boys never cease to amaze me.

Ryan is good, ready to leave here and be done with all the drama. We will be shutting off our Internet and cable and all that fun stuff next week, then we leave the following Monday. I am nervous and excited and scared. This has been our life for 5 1/2 years and the only home the boys really know. I think everyone will need some adjusting, especially when the cold weather hits. Lot's of pool parties and pool days in the backyard once we move. The humidity may kill us.

I can't wait to decorate the new house, I love decorating and I am planning it all in my head as we speak. Hope everyone has a great mother's day this weekend and keep us in your prayers!!

I don't even know where to begin

Sweet lord where to begin. Things are crazy around this mad house. We have started packing and are getting everything squared away for the big move. I have officially remembered how much I hate packing and moving!!!! I wish there was an easier way, oh wait, there is!! But Ryan refuses to let other people pack our stuff and determine when we get it back. Can't say I blame him, but I really don't want to pack or clean anymore. So that's what's going on with that.

Ryan's sister is still here, I don't even know what to say about that anymore. I really am not going to say anything about it. Just know, I am reaching my limit. I can only handle so much crap from one person, I don't care how bad you are feigning for something. Lord give me strength to make it through this, I need every ounce you can give me.

We close on our house today, no idea how that is going to go, but hopefully smoothly. I would like to have someone live my life for me for the next few weeks, any takers? No? Anyone? Come on, I will trade you.

Will is completely potty trained now, thank you Jesus! Alex is still not walking, which makes me worried, but other than that he is great. Ryan is still Ryan, non-confrontational, but still griping about things and not handling them. Gus is still the lazy, fat dog we all know and love, and I.........am going to have a freaking nervous breakdown. I seriously am considering becoming a monk so I can leave and be in a place of peace. Never going to happen but worth a dream I should say.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I hope today finds all well. Lately things have been going great for us. We are almost finished with everything for the house, all that's left is closing! Ryan's sister Shelby moved in with us about a week and a half ago. Things are going good there too. She needs us and we are definitely going to be there for her.

Ryan is leaving next weekend for Phoenix, he gets to help with the NASCAR thing they have going on up there. I am trying to clear all the "dirt" out of my life. When I say dirt I mean anything that is toxic and unhealthy. Which also includes people. I have been eating better, working out (trying to at least), and ridding my conscious of all the things that bring me down. I let people's words get to me, and rather than keep giving those people the chance to continue to do so, I just quit talking to them and get rid of their energy from my life.

I think in the long run, that is the best decision I can make for me and my family. My boys need a mom who is happy and wants to play with them and at least kind of keep up with their activities. Instead I am mostly tired and crabby and I lose my temper because of all the drama I put up with from other people. So there it is, for the first time in my whole life I am letting them go and moving on.

I knew this year would be my first year of change. Happy Easter again everybody!

People confuse me

I'm sure they do you too. I just don't get it, first I am too sensitive and need to open up but not let my feelings get hurt when I get a response. I need to just worry about my family and my kids and not pay attention to anyone else, then when I say something that's on my mind and not even something to be taken seriously, you yell at me. Which thing am I supposed to be focused on?

Ryan's sister Shelby moved in with us a few days ago, which I personally feel is the best decision made for her, because we are the only stable and positive people in her life. But now everyone is sending nasty emails and starting rumors, within our own family about how she supposedly ran away and never told anyone where she was going and how we live in a fantasy world if we think we can help her. People confuse me.

How can you talk about your own family like that? How can you honestly believe someone, especially someone close to you doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt in this situation? How can you think you are better than anyone with all the things you have done? and most importantly, how can you sit there and watch someone be so lazy, they don't a thing for themselves and are extremely rude about it, and just pretend that's acceptable? I don't understand you people!

I am losing faith in the goodness of the world, I feel like people are losing all sense of respect for themselves and their values, and God willing I am not going to let that happen in my house. I love every person and creature living under my roof, and they will no it, and they will not ever have to wonder if they mean the world to me. Maybe you should try to do the same.

What an exciting few weeks

So after a few months of house hunting, we made an offer on a house and it got accepted! So we officially have bought our first house, it is so amazing. It has four bedrooms, over 1800 sq ft, a fenced in backyard, it is so unbelievably perfect for our first house I couldn't ask for anything better. I am glad that that particular journey is over though, it was exhausting. Finding a house, falling in love with it, then before we could get our families up there to check it out for us, it got sold.

Ah, such is life I guess. I really hope this is a sign of things to come though. That things will finally work out in our favor. We, as a family, are going to have to make some major changes in our spending habits. Step one: pay off our biggest credit card then cut it up. Step two: not feel such a strong desire to eat out and start making more dinners at home. Step three: find other ways of using our free time besides shopping.

I think if we pay attention and work hard, we should be able to get everything taken care of and hopefully set ourselves up for a bright future. I am going to be job hunting when we get to Omaha and get settled. Hopefully there is a job out there I will love and make enough money to pay for child care and have some left over. That would be nice. Thank you for the support everyone!

wow alot has happened

A lot has happened in the last week or so. We finally got our taxes done today, bout time, one less thing to worry about. I went to the doctor yesterday for one more cancer screening, and after 2 more scrapes, we are officially cancer-free! It has only taken almost a year for all this to hopefully be over for good. I don't know how much more of that I could have taken. We just got home from our first family vacation, one that didn't involve taking the kids to go see family. Not that going to see them isn't great, but we finally had an adventure all on our own.

We went to San Diego, it was amazing. Saw a beach and the ocean for the first time in my whole life. What an experience, hopefully there will be more to come for our kids. Will is potty trained now, thank you Jesus! He didn't mess up his pants the entire time we were driving, which was a six hour drive! He also learned the very valuable art of peeing outside. Always a skill I highly recommend anyone to master if they will be vacationing.

Ever since Ryan came home, things have been a little stressful, searching for a house, getting things ready for the big move in a couple of months. So much to do, so little time. I hope everything works out, it really makes things easier when one or two things work themselves out. I wish Alex would finally start walking, he is almost 15 months, it has to happen sometime soon. I guess Will was about that age when he started. Things are going to start looking up, I can feel it.

It already started, first we finally got orders to move back towards our families, then we went on a real family vacation, then I got told I'm cancer free for the first time in almost a year. The only thing we need now is for the perfect house to fall into our lap and we get it before the big move. Here's to wishful thinking!

AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

I don't even know where to begin! We are moving but we don't have a house. I want to get a job but have no college education. I want to get a degree but have no money to go to school. Seriously is there anything that is going to go right for me? For the the last three days I have been up until freaking two o'clock in the morning, filling out applications for schools, filling out applications for scholarships and grants, finding a house that Ryan and I can agree on (haha funny), and looking for jobs that will hire someone with only a high school education.

I don't even know where to begin on how frustrated I am at this point. Ryan and I are so different when it comes to our opinions on just about everything, I don't know how we are going to make any kind of decisions when it comes to our life and where we live it. Now I feel incredibly sorry for our children, their father and mother are two completely different people and those poor kids are stuck in the middle not knowing who to respond to. I don't know where to go from here anymore.

I have done so many things the last few days and yet it feels like and looks like I have done nothing but waste a bunch of paper on houses we may or may not get. I haven't even really been eating because I spend just about every waking second on all this crap that needs to get done in the next 1-3 months. Really? Is there anything else that would like to go wrong? Go ahead and hit me up now while I'm still frazzled.

Oh ok found something else to be pissed about, still need to find Will a bog boy bed and furniture for his new room because he is outgrown everything he has, and him and his father both need all new clothes because they have outgrown those as well. I am broke as a joke and no way of figuring out how to fix all of this in the time it needs to be done. Let's hope that things will work out now that we have found someone to find a house for us that meets our expectations and criteria. Then we just need to get the rest of this crap taken care of and for once I might not have a heart attack. Wish me luck!

Oh my Geez

So Ryan is finally home!!! I am so excited, but man has so much gone on since he got back. The kids were so different in their reactions I didn't know what to do. Will thinks if daddy leaves the room he is going to be going far away for a long time again, so he is stuck on Ryan like white on rice. Alex was the complete opposite. Cried any time Ryan went to touch him, I know that had to hurt his feelings. I don't know how I feel.

Don't get me wrong I am so happy he is home. But now I have to share my space and something just feels different. Almost like he is forcing himself to be happy he's back. You would think being trapped in the desert with all men and very manly women would make him ecstatic to be back, and I'm sure it does. Still, something is not right. He missed his flight home, because of reasons we will not discuss due to me getting angry. So the kids didn't even see him until the day after they were supposed to.

It has been crazy ever since. We all have gotten some kind of bug, no idea what, but so far I have had it the worst. Of course, I am the only female, why not let me have the most horrible time when we all get sick too right? I hope that it's finally over though. We are supposed to go to San Diego at some point in the next few weeks, I am kind of excited. I have never been to their zoo or seen a beach in my life. (Yes you read that right.)

I hope that with all the things to come in the next few months we will find a renewed dedication to our family and making every minute count. We just realized tonight that by the time we are 40 both of our kids will be out of the house. That is sheer craziness!! Hope this finds everyone well and that Valentine's Day was special to all!!

screw that!!

There are some things you just don't say when you are fighting with someone. I don't care how pissed off you are at what they did/said, you need to maintain a level of respect and decorum before opening your mouth. If you can't, then don't say anything and move the hell on!!

I don't care how pissed I am at someone, I would never talk about them as parents or tell them they are sluts because I saw them put their arm in with someone else's. That's just childish. I sure as hell wouldn't say horrible words meant to demean and belittle their friends. You just don't do that. I think I have maintained a pretty high level of respect for these people by not calling them out and saying everything they have said (which will surely get them knocked out).
But my patience is wearing thin.

You don't want to have anything to do with me? Fine. But let it go, we are no longer friends or even acquaintances, but leave it there. Don't sit there and broadcast our drama to other people, if you want to play that game, we can, and trust me, it will not be me who looks like the horrible person when people hear EVERYTHING!!!

People always kick you when your down

That is such a hard lesson to learn. Especially for someone like me who desperately wants to believe that there is good in all people and no one is really mean because they like to be. I have been proven wrong time again on this subject, but no matter how bad the hurt is, I refuse to give up this belief. I have had a hell of a week and it seems to get worse as the days go by.

I still haven't slept and it's been almost 2 weeks now. Will decided that he doesn't want to use the potty anymore after he was doing so amazing. Alex is pissed off all the time from cutting more teeth, and I am a wreck. I fell down the stairs the other day, which normally would be hilarious, but this time I seriously got hurt. I have a slight concussion and a couple of bruised ribs. What did my husband do when he found out? He laughed at me.

I am not mad at him for it, any other time I would have laughed at someone else falling too, but not if they got really hurt. That's just harsh. Of course this is coming from the same girl who while waiting at a red light on my way to work one day, decided to honk my horn at a little old lady crossing the street when she got right in front of my car. I laughed pretty hard. She didn't fall down (she just clutched her chest and then flipped me off.) But that is a completely different situation.

My head feels like it is going to explode at any minute and my back and ribs have never felt so much pain. To make things worse, this is the time when it seems everyone and their brother has something rude or mean to say about me. I will not go into detail, because it will only make me cry and that will just make my head hurt worse. But just know that people are cruel and vicious and I don't understand them. I think that now is the time for lots of compassion and understanding, and possibly a baseball bat and a lot of rage. I guess when it rains it pours and man is it pouring on me.

Holy Crap!!!! (Literally)

I don't think I have ever been so happy to see a turd in my whole life!! Will has used the potty all day today and finally decided to poop in the stool!! I am so happy I could pee my pants, but I feel that may set a bad example for this process. Ryan will be home soon, so excited. Just need to get rid of the kids for a few hours so I can scrub the crap out of my house.

Any takers? They have been pretty nice the last couple of days. I just need for them to leave so I have a slight chance of getting the house semi clean, and so I have total concentration on what I'm doing. I have so much to get done. We move in 3 months!! I need to go to the housing office and tell them we have orders, still need to pack, set up a garage sale, the list is endless.

Who knew moving to a new base would be this difficult? Oh well, new house, new people, new start to our lives. I guess this chapter in our lives is going to be an eventful one. Anyone know how to run a garage sale? Or anyone want to set one up for me? That would be awesome.

When will this be over?

I am tired of waiting. It seems like all I ever do is wait for something. I wish Will would just be done peeing and pooping his pants already and not have to have me tell him to go to the bathroom. I wish Alex would just start walking already so I don't have to carry him everywhere. I wish Ryan was home so we could sit down and talk and maybe not make me feel so alone.

I wish I could get some freaking sleep! I just want simple things to happen, it's not like I'm asking for world peace or to win the lottery. I do want world peace and of course the lottery would be great. But I think the other things are a little more important at this point. I need.......I need.......I don't know what I need. Does anyone else know anything about how I feel. Sometimes it feels like I am talking to a brick wall.

I just want everything to start falling into place already, this is getting ridiculous. I want to get out of this shit box we call Tucson. I want to be back where "normal" people are. Where I don't have to speak Spanish to order a freaking cheeseburger from the dive thru. I just want to be moved on and start over. In case you couldn't tell, I needed a vent as well.

long day and it's only noon

So I was hoping that when I woke up this morning my kids might be in a good mood and behave for once. Apparently I was very wrong. My three year old screamed at me at the top of his lungs because I asked him to go use the potty, (which apparently is a crime against nature). I just give up! You want to pee and poop your pants your whole life? Fine, you're just going to end up in diapers again at some point anyway.

My one year old was up at just before one this morning screaming his head off, no idea why, and he didn't go back to sleep until almost two. Well probably after two since I put him back in his bed at just before two and put ear plugs in cause I couldn't take it anymore. I haven't slept in about a week. I wake up every half an hour, it takes me twenty minutes to go back to sleep then I wake up ten minutes after I finally get there.

I just want Ryan to be home, I need a very long nap. Hopefully this week zooms by and we will be that much closer to him being here. Anyone have any suggestions for getting me sleep? Napping when they do doesn't work, and obviously night time is not happening. I have tried Nyquil, anything I can think of. I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep for a month straight. But two boys will never allow that, and at some point I will have to pee so that idea is out.

Hope I can get some sleep before this goes on for much longer. Wish me luck!

Am I losing my mind?

So for the last couple of days, every once in a while I keep hearing my doorbell ring, but when I go to the door no one is there. Either the kids in my neighborhood are pulling pranks or I am seriously hearing things. Apparently I hear stuff all the time. I heard the boys talking last night but when I went to check on them they were both completely passed out. I hear the tv on but when I walk through the house there isn't one on. Am I losing my mind?

On another note, I have been watching the show "A Baby Story", seeing all these women give birth to such beautiful children is heartbreaking to me. Because I really feel like I should have one more. Ryan want's nothing to do with that conversation, but I really want just one more. It doesn't even matter to me anymore if it's another boy or a girl. I just want to try one more time.

I have been pregnant 5 times and only have 2 boys. You do the math why he doesn't want to do this anymore. I know my pregnancies were rough, but I really have a strong feeling if we try just one more time it will be different. Especially since there will be space between pregnancies for once. I know that there is no way he will ever want to have this discussion, but something is telling me that I need to do this.

My kids are hectic and drive me crazy, but there is nothing I have loved more than being their mom. Does anyone else understand what I'm feeling? It's like there is something inside me that says I need to do this. Maybe I just haven't gotten over the loss of my little girl. Alex was supposed to be a twin and at 18 weeks I lost her. Maybe there is a deep feeling of need because I was so close and it got taken away from me. This is one of those moments where I could use my husband and my mom for comfort. Of course neither one are here or can get here quickly, today is going to be a somber day.

who's spawn is living in my house?

I know it sounds really bad for me to title this blog that way, but I can't figure out for the life of me who's kids these are. I will be the first to admit I was a horrible teenager, maybe not the worst, but certainly not the best. My husband was a brat until he was two and then he shaped up really great from there on out. So why, I ask you, why are my children acting like the spawn of the devil?

They won't listen or do anything they're told, which is understandable for the one year old, but the three year old not so much. I get told daily that I am hated and mean and they don't like me. So what am I supposed to do? Pretend that I don't hear it when it breaks my heart? Or punish it and continue to be the bad guy all the time? A little advice is so needed and very much appreciated right now. I am so disliked in my house right now that even whales I haven't met yet don't like me.

Let me explain. When Ryan got on webcam earlier this week to talk to me and the kids, we told the boys that we would be going to a special zoo when daddy got home. So now, that's all Will talks about. Today I asked him, "Will, what do you want to do when your daddy gets home?" Here is his priceless answer. "I want to go to the special zoo and go up to the whale and say, 'hey whale can I get a ride?', 'sure', 'ok', then he will give me a ride and and then we will go home. But you can't come mommy." "Why not?" "Because the whale doesn't like you."

I can't even get a freaking whale who is having imaginary conversations with my three year old to want to enjoy my company. I think it is a sign, I am not a cool person. You spend your whole life trying to be cool and then right when you think you've got it down, you have a kid and you realize even before they're teenagers that you will never be as cool as you want them to think you are. I have officially given up my coolness card, because apparently I will never be as cool as I think I am.

Random thoughts that plague my mind.......

Why is there an incessant need for me to have chocolate when there is none for me to have? Please explain this to me. I want a snicker bar, simple right? So I walk over to the fridge and open the door and low and behold, there isn't one there!! This is not a funny trick to me, someone could seriously get hurt.

So I do the only natural thing I can think of, I close the fridge door, then open it back up to see if God decided to put one in there this time. Obviously he isn't realizing the severity of the situation. Now I could get shoes on, get the kids socks and shoes on, load them in the car, drive to the gas station, get out, get them out, take them inside, freak cause they won't stop touching things, pay for the snicker bar, get them in the car, drive home, get them out of the car, take their socks and shoes off, sit down and get ready to take a bite of what I have been waiting all day for, then find I have to share.

Seriously, who wants to do all that work? Not only do all that work but then you have to guard it like a lion who just caught a kill for the first time in a week. Why? Why couldn't one have just magically appeared and I could have enjoyed it peacefully and alone while the kids were napping? I have a feeling this next week is not going to go well for people who come in contact with me.

Another thought I had was last night. I had my one year old laying on my chest, because at two o'clock this morning he was screaming his head off and having a horrible time getting to sleep,(He got blood drawn and 4 shots yesterday). Through it all I should have been thinking of ways to try and calm him down, but instead the thought that plagued my mind the whole time was, "why is the ceiling right outside of his door lower than the ceiling in the rest of the hallway?"

I know that is diabolical. I don't even know where to begin on how that is a serious issue, but it really confused me. So there it is the random thoughts that plague my mind.

First one to start me off.....

So here we go. I have decided to start this blog to indicate that at this point in my life I am starting a change, in myself. I think at this point in my life I need to start to doing something different instead of just expecting everything in my life to just fall into place.

I am 23 years old, married to a wonderful man, even if we fight over the dumbest things, and mom to two of the most beautiful boys anyone could ever hope for. They may drive me crazy but this year a lot is happening and this blog is going to get me through it. I hope whoever reads this will cheer me on in this first year of change.

Ryan will be home from deployment in a couple of weeks. How do I feel........how do I feel? Nervous, excited, scared, ready, impatient, everything and nothing all rolled into one. I can't wait for him to be home, for him to see the changes in our boys, and in me. It has only been 4 months, but it seems like a lot longer to me. His birthday was yesterday, he didn't get to spend it with us, or even have a beer to celebrate. Just like Christmas and Thanksgiving, and our youngest sons first birthday. That sucks.......for him.

Don't get me wrong it sucks for us too, but we at least had each other and the love of our family and friends back home in Missouri. He has no one, and nothing. I guess I just now realized what he may be going through when he leaves. He literally is all alone in the feelings department. He has to leave his wife and kids to go to a place he doesn't want to go to, to do a job that he enjoys, but not enough to willingly be gone for four months.

That is depressing to me. I guess with all the changes coming this year (i.e. moving to a new base, getting a new house, making new friends......leaving old ones behind, reshaping and recommitting ourselves to our marriage and family.) This year is going to have a lot of change happen.

A little about my family, I have two boys, William who's three and incredibly intelligent, and Alexander who just turned one and has decided to become a daredevil and give mommy a heart attack before he's two. We have one dog, Gus. He is a Rottweiler/German Shepard who hates to be outside for more than 3 minutes and refuses to eat his food until he is sure all the people food is done being passed out for the day.

We have a male betta fish named slinky, why? Because everyone loves a slinky. We have a male African underwater frog named Kermit, (he is Will's and he will make sure you know that), Kermit and Slinky hate each other, they fight all the time and I can't figure out if Kermit pisses him off on purpose because he thinks it's funny or just because he sees his owner do the same thing to Slinky's owner (aka me). We have a male Snail named Old Yeller, he is yellow (hence the name) and he is my husbands. They are very similar in that they usually stay out of confrontation and eat everything they come into contact with.

In case you didn't notice, no where in there did I mention any females. That is because I am the only one. In the whole house........alone. I am Laura, a 23 year old military wife, with 2 kids, and a lot of male animals. At this point with all the testosterone running around my house, I should have grown a penis, but I think God put me in this situation to be the sense of reason, or as I like to refer to myself, "the normal one".

Both mine and my husbands families are in Missouri, we got married at 18, and we are still together, shocking I know, and to top it off we didn't get married because I was pregnant as many speculated. I am outspoken, loud, sensitive, and die-hard about everything I believe in. So here we go to my first blog about my years of change.