AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

I don't even know where to begin! We are moving but we don't have a house. I want to get a job but have no college education. I want to get a degree but have no money to go to school. Seriously is there anything that is going to go right for me? For the the last three days I have been up until freaking two o'clock in the morning, filling out applications for schools, filling out applications for scholarships and grants, finding a house that Ryan and I can agree on (haha funny), and looking for jobs that will hire someone with only a high school education.

I don't even know where to begin on how frustrated I am at this point. Ryan and I are so different when it comes to our opinions on just about everything, I don't know how we are going to make any kind of decisions when it comes to our life and where we live it. Now I feel incredibly sorry for our children, their father and mother are two completely different people and those poor kids are stuck in the middle not knowing who to respond to. I don't know where to go from here anymore.

I have done so many things the last few days and yet it feels like and looks like I have done nothing but waste a bunch of paper on houses we may or may not get. I haven't even really been eating because I spend just about every waking second on all this crap that needs to get done in the next 1-3 months. Really? Is there anything else that would like to go wrong? Go ahead and hit me up now while I'm still frazzled.

Oh ok found something else to be pissed about, still need to find Will a bog boy bed and furniture for his new room because he is outgrown everything he has, and him and his father both need all new clothes because they have outgrown those as well. I am broke as a joke and no way of figuring out how to fix all of this in the time it needs to be done. Let's hope that things will work out now that we have found someone to find a house for us that meets our expectations and criteria. Then we just need to get the rest of this crap taken care of and for once I might not have a heart attack. Wish me luck!

Oh my Geez

So Ryan is finally home!!! I am so excited, but man has so much gone on since he got back. The kids were so different in their reactions I didn't know what to do. Will thinks if daddy leaves the room he is going to be going far away for a long time again, so he is stuck on Ryan like white on rice. Alex was the complete opposite. Cried any time Ryan went to touch him, I know that had to hurt his feelings. I don't know how I feel.

Don't get me wrong I am so happy he is home. But now I have to share my space and something just feels different. Almost like he is forcing himself to be happy he's back. You would think being trapped in the desert with all men and very manly women would make him ecstatic to be back, and I'm sure it does. Still, something is not right. He missed his flight home, because of reasons we will not discuss due to me getting angry. So the kids didn't even see him until the day after they were supposed to.

It has been crazy ever since. We all have gotten some kind of bug, no idea what, but so far I have had it the worst. Of course, I am the only female, why not let me have the most horrible time when we all get sick too right? I hope that it's finally over though. We are supposed to go to San Diego at some point in the next few weeks, I am kind of excited. I have never been to their zoo or seen a beach in my life. (Yes you read that right.)

I hope that with all the things to come in the next few months we will find a renewed dedication to our family and making every minute count. We just realized tonight that by the time we are 40 both of our kids will be out of the house. That is sheer craziness!! Hope this finds everyone well and that Valentine's Day was special to all!!

screw that!!

There are some things you just don't say when you are fighting with someone. I don't care how pissed off you are at what they did/said, you need to maintain a level of respect and decorum before opening your mouth. If you can't, then don't say anything and move the hell on!!

I don't care how pissed I am at someone, I would never talk about them as parents or tell them they are sluts because I saw them put their arm in with someone else's. That's just childish. I sure as hell wouldn't say horrible words meant to demean and belittle their friends. You just don't do that. I think I have maintained a pretty high level of respect for these people by not calling them out and saying everything they have said (which will surely get them knocked out).
But my patience is wearing thin.

You don't want to have anything to do with me? Fine. But let it go, we are no longer friends or even acquaintances, but leave it there. Don't sit there and broadcast our drama to other people, if you want to play that game, we can, and trust me, it will not be me who looks like the horrible person when people hear EVERYTHING!!!

People always kick you when your down

That is such a hard lesson to learn. Especially for someone like me who desperately wants to believe that there is good in all people and no one is really mean because they like to be. I have been proven wrong time again on this subject, but no matter how bad the hurt is, I refuse to give up this belief. I have had a hell of a week and it seems to get worse as the days go by.

I still haven't slept and it's been almost 2 weeks now. Will decided that he doesn't want to use the potty anymore after he was doing so amazing. Alex is pissed off all the time from cutting more teeth, and I am a wreck. I fell down the stairs the other day, which normally would be hilarious, but this time I seriously got hurt. I have a slight concussion and a couple of bruised ribs. What did my husband do when he found out? He laughed at me.

I am not mad at him for it, any other time I would have laughed at someone else falling too, but not if they got really hurt. That's just harsh. Of course this is coming from the same girl who while waiting at a red light on my way to work one day, decided to honk my horn at a little old lady crossing the street when she got right in front of my car. I laughed pretty hard. She didn't fall down (she just clutched her chest and then flipped me off.) But that is a completely different situation.

My head feels like it is going to explode at any minute and my back and ribs have never felt so much pain. To make things worse, this is the time when it seems everyone and their brother has something rude or mean to say about me. I will not go into detail, because it will only make me cry and that will just make my head hurt worse. But just know that people are cruel and vicious and I don't understand them. I think that now is the time for lots of compassion and understanding, and possibly a baseball bat and a lot of rage. I guess when it rains it pours and man is it pouring on me.

Holy Crap!!!! (Literally)

I don't think I have ever been so happy to see a turd in my whole life!! Will has used the potty all day today and finally decided to poop in the stool!! I am so happy I could pee my pants, but I feel that may set a bad example for this process. Ryan will be home soon, so excited. Just need to get rid of the kids for a few hours so I can scrub the crap out of my house.

Any takers? They have been pretty nice the last couple of days. I just need for them to leave so I have a slight chance of getting the house semi clean, and so I have total concentration on what I'm doing. I have so much to get done. We move in 3 months!! I need to go to the housing office and tell them we have orders, still need to pack, set up a garage sale, the list is endless.

Who knew moving to a new base would be this difficult? Oh well, new house, new people, new start to our lives. I guess this chapter in our lives is going to be an eventful one. Anyone know how to run a garage sale? Or anyone want to set one up for me? That would be awesome.

When will this be over?

I am tired of waiting. It seems like all I ever do is wait for something. I wish Will would just be done peeing and pooping his pants already and not have to have me tell him to go to the bathroom. I wish Alex would just start walking already so I don't have to carry him everywhere. I wish Ryan was home so we could sit down and talk and maybe not make me feel so alone.

I wish I could get some freaking sleep! I just want simple things to happen, it's not like I'm asking for world peace or to win the lottery. I do want world peace and of course the lottery would be great. But I think the other things are a little more important at this point. I need.......I need.......I don't know what I need. Does anyone else know anything about how I feel. Sometimes it feels like I am talking to a brick wall.

I just want everything to start falling into place already, this is getting ridiculous. I want to get out of this shit box we call Tucson. I want to be back where "normal" people are. Where I don't have to speak Spanish to order a freaking cheeseburger from the dive thru. I just want to be moved on and start over. In case you couldn't tell, I needed a vent as well.

long day and it's only noon

So I was hoping that when I woke up this morning my kids might be in a good mood and behave for once. Apparently I was very wrong. My three year old screamed at me at the top of his lungs because I asked him to go use the potty, (which apparently is a crime against nature). I just give up! You want to pee and poop your pants your whole life? Fine, you're just going to end up in diapers again at some point anyway.

My one year old was up at just before one this morning screaming his head off, no idea why, and he didn't go back to sleep until almost two. Well probably after two since I put him back in his bed at just before two and put ear plugs in cause I couldn't take it anymore. I haven't slept in about a week. I wake up every half an hour, it takes me twenty minutes to go back to sleep then I wake up ten minutes after I finally get there.

I just want Ryan to be home, I need a very long nap. Hopefully this week zooms by and we will be that much closer to him being here. Anyone have any suggestions for getting me sleep? Napping when they do doesn't work, and obviously night time is not happening. I have tried Nyquil, anything I can think of. I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep for a month straight. But two boys will never allow that, and at some point I will have to pee so that idea is out.

Hope I can get some sleep before this goes on for much longer. Wish me luck!