It's all too fast.......

You heard me right. For once, in all my life, the one who plans everything waaayyyy in advance, who usually has a plan for every situation, I truly am scared of what's happening right now. My boys are getting their big boy beds delivered in the morning. I don't think I am ready for this part of growing up. No more baby/toddler beds, no cute little blankets, or sweet music thingys playing in their rooms at night. When did the time sneak up on me like that? I don't know how I feel about all this change so quickly. Obviously I have to suck it up and just deal with it, but seriously?!?! I just didn't think it would be happening so soon.

Will is going to be five this year. FIVE!!! He starts kindergarten right before his birthday. He can speak a little Spanish and we are teaching him German now too. My baby is growing up so fast I just feel like I'm not ready to let him go to all day school yet. He is such a little man sometimes it's hard to believe I'm really his parent. It's so surreal to know that a lot of the things he knows is because of all the things Ryan and I talk to him about. He's just so smart and funny. I know he is going to do something really great.

Alex is going to be three this year, and we are working on potty training. My little nutter butter is moving to a big boy bed and starting to not wear diapers anymore? Yesterday he was still not ready to walk and talk yet. What happened? I am absolutely petrified to face this reality. This must have been how my mom felt when I got married and moved across the country and started having babies of my own. But I don't feel like I'm as strong as her.

My boys are my everything. Forget the drama, forget the bull shit, forget the stupid clothes or new furniture, or new cars, or whatever money has been able to provide for us. There have been times where I have wished I would have waited a little longer to have kids, just so I could feel like I had some freedom to go wherever without having to get everything ready an hour before "trying" to leave. But then they tell me they love me. That I'm the best "cooker" ever. That I look beautiful, and I'm ashamed that I would ever want to wish for anything but this everyday.

Sure they stress me out sometimes, what kid doesn't do that to their parents? But honestly, screw what anybody else thinks or says. I know I am a great mom. Not good, great. Because I love my boys with everything I have, so much sometimes, I cry. I do everything I can to make sure they get an education and they eat right. But mostly I let them know I love them with all of my heart and I would do anything for them that I could. That is a great parent, and I don't need a single person to reaffirm that for me. I can see it in their eyes when they look at me, or when they smile in their sleep after I have given them a kiss when I check on them.

To my William and Alexander, you have given me everything I could ever want and I don't know how on earth I could make it one more minute without you in my life. You have taught me better than any teacher, loved me better than any other person, and I just wish I could keep you like this forever so you never leave me. My beautiful boys. I love you.

Mommy