Where did I go wrong?

How to even begin since it's been so long. Let's start by saying this is intensely needed in order for me to even begin to try to get back to center. Other than the fact that it seems nothing I do is adequate or acceptable, I am a whole big ball of lost. We moved to our new house 4 months ago, got everything unpacked and decorated. But it still does not feel like home. I don't know if it ever will. The people are very nice, we have made a few friends, but there is just something not completing the puzzle for me. I will let you know when I find out what that is.

Ryan and I are.........well we just are. We're not necessarily good, though not bad either. We're just.........here. Strangely I'm content with that for right now since so many other things are going on, I don't want to add any marital drama to the mix. I'm not angry, but not thrilled either. Maybe this is what it feels like when the peak of happiness in your relationship has hit and now you are starting to journey on into just being with each other. Six years is a long time to feel each other out though, don't you think?

Gus, I believe may explode one day from his weight. I have no idea how this damn dog is getting up all those stairs everyday and still have enough energy to jump on my bed at night. I am starting to get concerned for his health. But I must not be too concerned yet, because exercising him means I need to exercise too and I just don't see that happening any time soon. Thankfully though, I am not having his same issues. I think I may have actually lost a few pounds. Who knew that walking up and down three sets of stairs everyday to do laundry and clean would make me lose weight.

Alex, aaahhh, he is my golden baby. I love that little kid so much I could pop him like a pimple. He listens and helps me with chores and he does what I ask him to. Oh and he has been using the potty recently! I love his smile, he laughs everyday. The Lord truly blessed me when he gave me that child. I am so thankful for him. My life would be so much more unbearable if it wasn't for him. In alot of ways he reminds me of my mom. Kinda quiet, not really a big people person, but when he really likes you, he is so warm and sweet. Loves to hug and gives you these looks like you're the only person in the world he cares about. I hope he never changes that.

Now on to William. I don't know what I am going to do with this child, but hopefully God intervenes before I ship him out to a military school in another country. Don't get me wrong I love that little boy like there's no tomorrow, but sometimes he makes me want to rip each and every hair out of my head. Technically I know I have no one really to blame but myself. I know I should have done some things different. I guess with him I just felt like I needed to spoil him when he was the only one because his daddy left so much and I had so much to stress about. I know my temper got the best of me and maybe that's why he acts the way he does. It's not fair to yell and get so frustrated so fast when he does something wrong. But I guess I convinced myself that since he's four now, he should know the rules. They haven't changed. When does the pushing limits thing stop? I need some direction, am I just desperately trying to hold onto this hope that he doesn't have a problem? Maybe he really needs to talk to a therapist, because obviously he won't talk to me or his dad about what is really going on and why he's so angry.

If you're wondering why I keep saying he has anger issues, let me explain. Will started school in August and since his first day he has gotten in fights with four other kids. Well wait, you can't call it a fight when he's the only one hitting can you? He hits kids all the time, he yells at his teacher, he refuses to participate during class activities, and he throws tantrums in the middle of class. Where did I go wrong? He knows that's unacceptable behavior, and I guess looking back the signs were there that he has an aggression problem. But how do I fix this, is it too late for me to find a solution? Someone please guide me in the right direction.

Hope everyone has had a great summer and let's hope that next post isn't so gloomy

the time is approaching........

I am so ready to get out of this state and so many of the crazy ass people it hath spawned! We move in less than 2 weeks, thank goodness and I am still not packed and we have a BBQ on Friday. I am glad to spend one night with friends and family and people who are truly meaningful and supportive. I am just ready for it to be over.

We closed on our house about a week ago, that was insane. Shortly thereafter Shelby went back home and did all the things she swore she would never do again. I am done with everyone on Ryan's side of the family just about and I don't think anyone can blame me. I hope that this move means the start of a new era. No more broken promises, no more lies, no more tricks and evil intentions. I have no room for that in my life. I certainly don't want my kids around such things or people.

Speaking of the kids, Will is growing like a freaking weed! I barely recognize my own son and sometimes have to think about how old he is because of how tall he is and how well he talks. I am so proud. Alex is getting big too. These boys never cease to amaze me.

Ryan is good, ready to leave here and be done with all the drama. We will be shutting off our Internet and cable and all that fun stuff next week, then we leave the following Monday. I am nervous and excited and scared. This has been our life for 5 1/2 years and the only home the boys really know. I think everyone will need some adjusting, especially when the cold weather hits. Lot's of pool parties and pool days in the backyard once we move. The humidity may kill us.

I can't wait to decorate the new house, I love decorating and I am planning it all in my head as we speak. Hope everyone has a great mother's day this weekend and keep us in your prayers!!

I don't even know where to begin

Sweet lord where to begin. Things are crazy around this mad house. We have started packing and are getting everything squared away for the big move. I have officially remembered how much I hate packing and moving!!!! I wish there was an easier way, oh wait, there is!! But Ryan refuses to let other people pack our stuff and determine when we get it back. Can't say I blame him, but I really don't want to pack or clean anymore. So that's what's going on with that.

Ryan's sister is still here, I don't even know what to say about that anymore. I really am not going to say anything about it. Just know, I am reaching my limit. I can only handle so much crap from one person, I don't care how bad you are feigning for something. Lord give me strength to make it through this, I need every ounce you can give me.

We close on our house today, no idea how that is going to go, but hopefully smoothly. I would like to have someone live my life for me for the next few weeks, any takers? No? Anyone? Come on, I will trade you.

Will is completely potty trained now, thank you Jesus! Alex is still not walking, which makes me worried, but other than that he is great. Ryan is still Ryan, non-confrontational, but still griping about things and not handling them. Gus is still the lazy, fat dog we all know and love, and I.........am going to have a freaking nervous breakdown. I seriously am considering becoming a monk so I can leave and be in a place of peace. Never going to happen but worth a dream I should say.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I hope today finds all well. Lately things have been going great for us. We are almost finished with everything for the house, all that's left is closing! Ryan's sister Shelby moved in with us about a week and a half ago. Things are going good there too. She needs us and we are definitely going to be there for her.

Ryan is leaving next weekend for Phoenix, he gets to help with the NASCAR thing they have going on up there. I am trying to clear all the "dirt" out of my life. When I say dirt I mean anything that is toxic and unhealthy. Which also includes people. I have been eating better, working out (trying to at least), and ridding my conscious of all the things that bring me down. I let people's words get to me, and rather than keep giving those people the chance to continue to do so, I just quit talking to them and get rid of their energy from my life.

I think in the long run, that is the best decision I can make for me and my family. My boys need a mom who is happy and wants to play with them and at least kind of keep up with their activities. Instead I am mostly tired and crabby and I lose my temper because of all the drama I put up with from other people. So there it is, for the first time in my whole life I am letting them go and moving on.

I knew this year would be my first year of change. Happy Easter again everybody!

People confuse me

I'm sure they do you too. I just don't get it, first I am too sensitive and need to open up but not let my feelings get hurt when I get a response. I need to just worry about my family and my kids and not pay attention to anyone else, then when I say something that's on my mind and not even something to be taken seriously, you yell at me. Which thing am I supposed to be focused on?

Ryan's sister Shelby moved in with us a few days ago, which I personally feel is the best decision made for her, because we are the only stable and positive people in her life. But now everyone is sending nasty emails and starting rumors, within our own family about how she supposedly ran away and never told anyone where she was going and how we live in a fantasy world if we think we can help her. People confuse me.

How can you talk about your own family like that? How can you honestly believe someone, especially someone close to you doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt in this situation? How can you think you are better than anyone with all the things you have done? and most importantly, how can you sit there and watch someone be so lazy, they don't a thing for themselves and are extremely rude about it, and just pretend that's acceptable? I don't understand you people!

I am losing faith in the goodness of the world, I feel like people are losing all sense of respect for themselves and their values, and God willing I am not going to let that happen in my house. I love every person and creature living under my roof, and they will no it, and they will not ever have to wonder if they mean the world to me. Maybe you should try to do the same.

What an exciting few weeks

So after a few months of house hunting, we made an offer on a house and it got accepted! So we officially have bought our first house, it is so amazing. It has four bedrooms, over 1800 sq ft, a fenced in backyard, it is so unbelievably perfect for our first house I couldn't ask for anything better. I am glad that that particular journey is over though, it was exhausting. Finding a house, falling in love with it, then before we could get our families up there to check it out for us, it got sold.

Ah, such is life I guess. I really hope this is a sign of things to come though. That things will finally work out in our favor. We, as a family, are going to have to make some major changes in our spending habits. Step one: pay off our biggest credit card then cut it up. Step two: not feel such a strong desire to eat out and start making more dinners at home. Step three: find other ways of using our free time besides shopping.

I think if we pay attention and work hard, we should be able to get everything taken care of and hopefully set ourselves up for a bright future. I am going to be job hunting when we get to Omaha and get settled. Hopefully there is a job out there I will love and make enough money to pay for child care and have some left over. That would be nice. Thank you for the support everyone!

wow alot has happened

A lot has happened in the last week or so. We finally got our taxes done today, bout time, one less thing to worry about. I went to the doctor yesterday for one more cancer screening, and after 2 more scrapes, we are officially cancer-free! It has only taken almost a year for all this to hopefully be over for good. I don't know how much more of that I could have taken. We just got home from our first family vacation, one that didn't involve taking the kids to go see family. Not that going to see them isn't great, but we finally had an adventure all on our own.

We went to San Diego, it was amazing. Saw a beach and the ocean for the first time in my whole life. What an experience, hopefully there will be more to come for our kids. Will is potty trained now, thank you Jesus! He didn't mess up his pants the entire time we were driving, which was a six hour drive! He also learned the very valuable art of peeing outside. Always a skill I highly recommend anyone to master if they will be vacationing.

Ever since Ryan came home, things have been a little stressful, searching for a house, getting things ready for the big move in a couple of months. So much to do, so little time. I hope everything works out, it really makes things easier when one or two things work themselves out. I wish Alex would finally start walking, he is almost 15 months, it has to happen sometime soon. I guess Will was about that age when he started. Things are going to start looking up, I can feel it.

It already started, first we finally got orders to move back towards our families, then we went on a real family vacation, then I got told I'm cancer free for the first time in almost a year. The only thing we need now is for the perfect house to fall into our lap and we get it before the big move. Here's to wishful thinking!