HI-YAAAHHHH!!!

Just thought I would start this one off with a bang ya know? My 4 year old is now my bodyguard, so if there is anything negative you need to discuss with me, you can take it up with him. Why is he my bodyguard you may ask? Because he is now a white belt in karate and knows how to break a board with his bare fist. That's right I said it, ok so a white belt is only a beginner but it's better than knowing nothing at all right?

Other than that tidbit of information, I really am not happy today. I was planning to go down to kc and spend the weekend with my family since Ryan has to work, but nooo, the weather decided to go and start being nasty. So instead I went to the grocery store and realized after getting there and starting to shop, how am I supposed to pick up the bottle of detergent when I can't lift over five pounds? Or the dog food bag? If I did get someone to help me get them in the cart, then how was I supposed to get them in my car/ house when I got home? This is causing a slight dilemma for me.

My stitches come out next friday, ok I just realized I didn't explain why I have stitches. I had surgery on valentine's day. Nothing major just something that I felt would make me feel better about myself and in turn help me when I am around others. No one pushed me to do it, it was for me and only me, it has nothing to do with attention or whatever anyone else would like to claim. It was solely something for me. For once I did something that had nothing to do with anyone else or their feelings or their thoughts, and it feels great to know I can make decisions without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

I am going on a cruise with my mom, aunts, and nana in about 6 weeks and I am soo excited for the break from being mommy. Not that I don't love it because there is no greater moment than when my boys cover me in kisses and tell me they love me so much. But sometimes I just want to sleep in, and be able to eat my food without anyone asking for any of it, and I can go wherever I want without loading up the kids and having to watch them like a hawk so they don't touch or break anything. It will be a nice break and it's just us girls. Plus it's my first time to mexico!!

I am hoping Ryan doesn't have to work all day everyday this weekend, I kinda miss him. I would like to have a moment or two of his time. C'est la vie.

is respect a lost artform?

I really do ponder that question almost on a daily basis. I know no one probably reads this but it feels kind of nice to get these feelings out and be able to look back on them later, hopefully with the answer to these questions in tow. I am starting to figure out during my second year of change that maybe I have given mankind too much credit when it comes to personal relationships. For a long time I was convinced that respect for another person and their feelings was just the right thing to do. Unfortunately I am wrong in that belief.

Time and time again it has been proven to me that no one cares about anyones feelings or the fact that they are a person who might have feelings at all. I feel very sad about having to face this fact and it truly breaks my heart to have to accept this from people. Especially people who have been in a very high regard to me in certain points in my life. This year of change may be the harder of the two. Coming to the realization that my eternal optimism in human compassion and understanding has been wrong and now I have to accept it, may be a breaking point for me.

I have had friends come and go, it has never bothered me because obviously there has been a reason for their removal from my life. I can accept that and move on, but when you effect my children and desert them and then have the nerve to disgrace them with your words when they are so innocent and precious, I am appalled and disgusted. In a million years, no matter how much I detested someone, I would NEVER EVER talk about their children. To anyone at anytime, that is called respect. I may not like you, but your child did nothing to me and even if they did, it is not something that is considered proper to be an adult and talk disgustingly about someone else's child. You as an adult have the responsibility to act like one and if you have a problem with someone else's child that is younger than you, you discuss it with their parent or move the hell on with your life.

I literally may throw up from some of the things I have found out being said about my precious boys. They have never, and I repeat never done anything to deserve such ignorant, appalling, flat out rude remarks to be made about them. I don't care how you feel about me. How can a person sit there, and claim to be all about living with God and being a better person then turn around and have such vulgarity come out of their mouths about one of God's most precious creations? It's just plain sick and I hope for your sake if you ever read this, you realize what a sick, twisted person you really are and you make it right.

I hope that during this year of change I can finally find some people who are genuine and really do have enough self-respect and decency to be a good human being. No matter the circumstances, no matter the cost, because being a good person, a truly good person, is worth more in the end than how many friends you have or how popular you are. Covering yourself in reaffirmations in your relationship and insignificant things your friends do with you is not worth living with the knowledge that you have truly wronged someone. I can only hope that I am not the only one who shares in this belief. Otherwise we truly are on the verge of hell on earth.

my poor baby......

Alex is the most clumsy kid on the planet, there is no denying that but he has never been seriously hurt from falling before. The kid is built like a tank, he never cries when he falls down and yet the one time he does, it is extremely serious. The poor kid almost broke his cheekbone and has the worst bruising I have ever seen. It makes me hurt and almost cry just to look at him. I have never felt so bad.

To review what happened, he was walking towards the stairs to the playground in the gym, he tripped over his huge feet, and landed face first into the side of a metal stair. Almost instant swelling and bruising, and the worst cries I have ever heard. My heart literally started breaking. We got rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, he refused to let anyone touch it (obviously), and he has to get x-rays. They went to go take his heart rate and he flipped out so to show him it wasn't scary they put it on me. My heart rate starts at 168 and when they pulled it off it was at 174. I don't know if you know this or not but your heart rate should never be that high.

As a mother, I have never been so scared, worried, terrified, sick, and angry at once. I was scared for him, worried about how bad it was, terrified he would have a serious problem, sick because of how bad it looked, and angry because I felt like it was mine and Ryan's fault. The bruising has only gotten worse the last few days, and I have never wanted to hold him and protect him more than I do now. How do you heal from a broken heart? How do you forgive yourself when something bad happens to your children that you know wasn't your fault?

I love my children more than they could ever know, nothing could ever take their place in my heart, and yet sometimes I feel that maybe I don't deserve them. I am overwhelmed with emotions at this point, feeling a little disheveled, and hoping that just because it looks bad, doesn't necessarily mean that he is in pain. I love you Alexander!!!

Here's to my 2nd year of change

Well, a whole year has come and gone. There have been some rough times, and some great times, but I think I finally did it. I started my changes that I need to make me and my life better. I got rid of a few people who were holding me down, and moved to a whole new state to start a whole new life. My babies are so big, it's crazy that they are a year older. I haven't settled on a new years resolution yet, but I have some good ideas. I will be traveling more this year, I am so grateful for that. I need the time to be without kids. I turn 25 in about five and a half months. Crazy how far I have come from where I was.

I am grateful to the true people who are in my life, for telling me the truth and being a real friend who deserves to be around me and my children. I am shocked by some of the people no longer in my life, but I guess true colors can't hide forever. Alex is two now, crazy, he seems so much older sometimes and so much younger other times. Will is about to finish pre-school and start kindergarten next year, I don't know where the time went. He can spell, and write, and do math. I have never been so proud and shocked at how much he has learned in such a short time.

We have made some great friends so far out here, which I feel is exactly what we needed. We are close enough to see our families whenever we want, but still far enough away to depend on ourselves when things get rough. Christmas was great, the boys got everything they wanted and then some. Alex had his first real birthday party, I am very glad Ryan got to be a part of it. My mom and dad were here to visit and I just soaked it in.

Ryan's brother, Jack came to stay for a few weeks. I am glad the boys got the chance to spend so much time with him. He really is so important to us. I hope everyone was safe and has an amazing new year just like I plan to. Here's to my 2nd year of change everyone!!!

ahhhhh christmastime.

I don't care if me saying christmas is not "politically correct". I don't try to get anyone to not say Happy Hannukah or Happy Kwanzaa, so don't try to change my wording either ok? It has been an interesting few weeks. I have given up on trying to form any kind of relationship with Ryan's family. I can't really get blamed for that after all the things they've said and done to me. I have just hit the end of my rope. I need a break, eventually they will notice that the only reason Ryan ever talks to any of them is because of me. He never wants to call or go see them, but that's all my fault according to them. Why can't we just be family? Why is it always, because I'm the newcomer, everything that doesn't go your way, is my fault. Don't try to deny all of it either, I know you too well.

Anyways, we have been having some problems at Will's school. Some of the kids have been telling Will his daddy is a killer and he will grow up and be one too. What a horrible thing to say to a kid. You know the parents are teaching them that too, kids don't learn those things on their own. It's just not right. So Ryan went up in uniform today to the school to talk about his job and give the kids something to think about. I wonder if it will end once and for all. I think he is doing great now that he's had time to adjust. I am very proud of him. He gets smarter and smarter everyday right in front of my eyes.

Alex is doing good, had a little bit of a stomach problem today, but let's hope it was just one time otherwise it will be a long night in my house. Especially since Ryan is on twelve hour shifts. I need some sleep, I hope that he can sleep good and feel better by tomorrow. Wish me luck on that!!

I am doing ok, this is my favorite time of year, I love to see all the lights and decorations people put up. I like the look of the decorations in my house, it makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. Plus it's a free excuse to drink hot chocolate all the time!!! I can't wait to see the kids faces when they come downstairs christmas morning and see all the presents waiting for them. It makes my year to see them so happy. I feel good, just need some sleep and a relaxing, hot, shower.

Happy Birthday to my dear ol dad!!!

Laura

are past lives real?

I have often wondered if the theory of past lives is real. There are definitely certain periods of time I feel an extreme connection to. I love history, and there quite a few time periods that I feel like perhaps, I may have been there. I have these thoughts about the time and it contradicts some of the things I've heard about it, but then I research and other people have "proof" that my so-called "thought" was correct, it reaffirms my belief that somehow, someway, I must have been there.

Let me explain the time periods I'm talking about. I am 100% completely obsessed with these time periods, and any and all information I can get I have. (I actually spend most of my free time researching these cultures and civilizations.) Ancient Egypt, (mainly the time of Cleopatra and before her, Queen Nefertiti), King Henry VIII, Titanic, Czar Nicholas II, and WWII. Why do I feel like when I hear names from this time, or when I read about anything concerning the time period, I feel like I was there? I have visions, and it almost seems like memories from being in that place.

Sometimes, they are very vivid. I can see what clothes I was wearing, or what the room I was in looked like in detail. Conversations, facial features, speech patterns, topics of conversation, all of it just hits me and I can't get it out of my head. Maybe I'm just going crazy, maybe I have a natural curiosity for those time periods and just feel like since I know so much about them I must be a part of it.

But this brings me back to the original question, do you think past lives are real? Gives you something to think about doesn't it?

searching for myself.....and losing

I have been searching for any trace of my family history for......ever now. As my mom says I should be very proud that I have gone back over 400 years. But somehow I just feel like there is something missing. I know there is more to my life and my family, deep down I know we did something great, I just can't find it. I refuse to believe that we are simply ordinary and have done nothing spectacular, there are too many of us with such big personalities for that to be a reality for me. I did find something spectacular about my mothers side though, I always knew we were native american. Come to find out, one of my great-great-great-great-great grandmothers was a very famous helper to George Washington. I knew we had something amazing in our history.

But somehow I feel this need to continue on, like there's something I am meant to discover and help fix. I need to know where this is going and why me? Why do I feel like this is my destiny, why is it that this is my need and not someone else's? I feel as though I am stuck in a losing battle, no one really keeps records that far back, and there are no records of native americans really. But I need to make sure my boys know who they are and where they came from.

That they have a rich family history, and many people who made a difference somewhere for someone. I want them to be proud and confident knowing that even though our lives aren't the greatest, we tried and that our family is still going strong and we care for each other. I wish I could just have a breakthrough and really get something spectacular uncovered soon. Wish me luck people out there, wish me luck.