Amazing things, life changing things.....

While I am not sure if anyone even reads this blog, I even forget that it exists sometimes, I find it important to visit on here every so often to remind myself of where I have been, and where I am now. It is extremely clear to me that the person who last wrote in here 7 months ago, is not the same person I am today by any means. There have been amazing things, life changing things going on and I have learned so much that it astounds me. 7 months ago I was still struggling with the fact that our family was losing so many people so fast. As of now, while I head into my 26th year of life, I realize that though we have lost 5 people in the last 10 months, I am stronger now than I was then. I have fought my second battle with cervical cancer, it was not a question of if I will beat this, but how soon will I beat this. The fact that through all the trials and tribulations I have been facing this last decade of my life, I still think of everyday as the best day, is undoubtedly poignant on my position of how to face a challenge. Head on with no doubts and no regrets.

I have the most amazing support system in my life. It took me a while to realize exactly what I had, what I always had, and I have been let down by people I never thought I would be let down by, but that does not give me the right to topple over and make my life miserable. While there were times I considered myself to be depressing, vapid, and lackluster, I realize that I cannot be happy all the time, but that does not give me the right to not be appreciative of the blessings I have. I have a house of my own, a car that works, food on my table, clothes in my closet, and shoes on my feet. But all that would mean nothing if I did not have my family and my own free way of thinking. I have the ability to make decisions on my own, and raise my children the way I see fit, those are more important than anything in my closet, on my finger, or seen from the road. There are so many people who expect others to only see things their way, I am not republican or democratic, right wing or left wing, tea party, or anything else. I agree with certain points from all of them. But let me ask this question, why does it bother people so much what another person thinks or does in their own home? Does it directly effect your life? Does it specifically harm you in any way?

I decided to try an experiment a few months ago while still going through treatment. I tried to get as many people as I could involved and was slightly disappointed at the fact that no one read what I was trying to do before saying no. But I will not force them to do what I want either. The experiment was to show a form of acknowledgement towards all people you came in contact with. With all the recent people feeling underappreciated and feeling as though to get the attention they needed, they had to do something drastic and harm themselves, I felt that just by acknowledging random people, they wouldn't feel so invisible. It was purely just to focus on others and not ourselves. It was hard to see that there were so many unaccustomed to pure genrosity and kindness without any alterior motive. In that time I had the chance to reflect on how I dealt with kindness and I realized that, I get so wrapped up in the things going on in my life that drag me down, I don't give myself the chance to see the things that could bring me up. So I decided to change. I finally started living, while I was going through a part of me dying. It has been magical, and though there have been some very tough times lately, I am finding more strength in me than I ever thought I had. I am looking for the lesson to be learned rather than the loss I have suffered. I encourage all of you to try it sometime.....there have been amazing things happening.

Wow, time has flown by!

So much has happened since the last time I wrote in July. My grandfather unfortunately passed away on my parents 30th anniversary on August 8th. It was extremely hard on my dad, I flew down to Arkansas to be there for him. It was Will's first day of school August 10th, I got to see him off, but my flight left before he got home so I didn't get to see him after. He was really excited about it, but he said the first few days was boring cause all they talked about was rules. He has been in school full-time for almost 4 months now. He is reading, writing, doing math, and he even got into a special science group because he is so advanced in it. He turned 5 in September, he is just too grown up. He amazes me everyday.

At the beginning of this month Ryan's grandmother, Granny Gee, passed away. They tell you a death can either bring out the best or worst in families, I have noticed that with ours only seems to bring the bad. People disown people, they start fights, they make idiotic comments in front of strangers, or bring up family drama that has been supposedly dead for years. I did not have my children go to either of our families funerals because of these exact reasons. I wanted to shelter them from being a part of the mass chaos that has ensued and also seeing a dead body at such a young age is traumatic for a child.

Alex is going to be three next month, he talks so much, and he is almost fully potty trained. I think it will be harder to let him go than it was Will. He seems to depend on me and want me more than Will ever did. They are both super smart and can do so many things. Thanksgiving was yesterday and this is the first year we did not spend it with Ryan or our family. Ryan is currently on Alert, which is like a mini deployment, and we couldn't afford to go down to see our families this year. It was still wonderful and we were blessed to have friends who let us share with them and their family on the holiday.

I started putting up decorations for Christmas this afternoon. I'm not putting up all of them one, because I'm afraid to get on the ladder to hang the lights up on the outside of the house, and two the boys and I think that we should wait to do the tree until daddy can be here to do it with us. They love helping him put on ornaments. Well, I better start figuring out what to do for dinner. There was my little update about everything going on with us. Hope you guys had wonderful holidays and found many things to be thankful for.

since when did this year get so crappy?

I am in an emotionally tough spot at the present moment. There is so many things going on I don't know if/how to keep up. One of my friends is hurting, and I know that there is really nothing I can do, but surely there is some way to ease their pain? My grandfather is very sick, but how can I be there for him, when we have never really had any kind of relationship? My oldest son is about to go to full time school in a few weeks, I don't know how to handle being away from him all day 5 days a week. Can I get some guidance here? My husband got a promotion at his job, which I am so grateful for, but now they want to change his schedule when it took us six months to get it changed to this one. It seems no matter what is going on, somehow I always find a way to get put on the hard road.

I am ok with that sometimes, you can learn alot of being on that road to begin with, but just once, can anything be easy? I am so thankful for everything we have. I even discussed it with Ryan yesterday. From five years ago to today, we are in a completely different life and mindset. That's amazing, but still. No one can prepare you or how quickly change will come or how it will take shape upon your life. This is kind of extreme don't you think?

So what can I learn from everything going on right now. With my grandfather I need to learn understanding. I think this situation is teaching me, that feeling indifferent about how to react is ok and bound to happen. But because I am compassionate, loving, and willing, maybe somehow this situation will heal our relationship. With my friend, I need to learn to let go. I can be there to talk to him and listen when he needs to vent,but I can't take on all the responsibility to try and fix his problems when I know I don't have it in me to do so.

I also need to learn to let go with my son. It is hard to watch him grow up, and be more independent, but I can't be selfish and keep him with me all the time. I know he loves school and he will do amazing. With my husbands job, I need to learn control. Things aren't always going to go the way I want them to, his job is how we are able to do everything we do. I need to learn to not get so upset about when he has to work, even if its 7 days a week 12 hour shifts, like it has been. There are just some things, I can't control, and it's hard to deal with that, but you have to make do.

I hope that somehow I find strength and understanding sooner rather than later, because emotionally I am just too drained to keep it up the way I have been. I hope everyone is being safe, and remember to be grateful for what you do have, you never know when it will change.

truth in relationships

I often find myself wondering why it is that when I see someone being dishonest in a relationship, I feel the need to uncover their lies? This seems to be a problem for the person being lied to, obviously I'm creating a problem for the liar, and yet I am the one getting in trouble for being honest? Somewhere along the way in life our society made it socially acceptable to be lying, scandalous, worthless pieces of shit. When did this kind of serious thing become a social acceptance? Should I, from now on, just pretend to like you and believe that what you're saying is true even though I know it is 100% false? Should I make that kind of person acceptable to be around my kids and myself when they drive me to want to vomit?

Somehow during the course of uncovering the truth and proving to the other person that I have absolutely no benefit by lying about this, I get accused of being a stupid, ignorant, bitch who seems to be insecure about myself and my relationship. This just made me laugh. Do you hear yourself? Do you see how absolutely idiotic and repugnant you sound by writing this crap? I am in a 7 year long relationship that includes a marriage and 2 beautiful kids. Why the hell should I be worried? Everyone who knows my husband knows his morals and his unwillingness to do anything that would make him a bad person. Even he was telling you what I said was true!

I have come to almost feel sorry for you, but then I think of all the reasons why I shouldn't, and one day when you catch him by walking in on it, I still don't think you would leave. He has lost his best friend, and at least three others he could have had if he didn't already, and now you have lost the same. The walls will come crashing down, everything will fall apart and no one is to blame but yourself. So once again, when did it become socially acceptable to be a liar and a cheat? Are the original institutes of marriage no longer applicable? Why is it that people who have a good, solid, marriage, or even just a good, solid relationship can no longer make the news?

We have alot to change in this country, but the only way for a real change, has to start with you. So I am no longer going to try and be there for you, help you, or listen to your incessant need to put everyone else down because you know your world is falling apart. I am going to make sure, even moreso than I do now, that my husband knows just how much he is appreciated and loved. That I take time everyday to hug and kiss my little princes to death, and never leave them wondering if they were loved enough. I know I am amazing, I know I am wonderful, and I know I don't need or want anyone in my life who doesn't think so too. Good luck to you, maybe one day you will see what you have turned yourself into.

It's all too fast.......

You heard me right. For once, in all my life, the one who plans everything waaayyyy in advance, who usually has a plan for every situation, I truly am scared of what's happening right now. My boys are getting their big boy beds delivered in the morning. I don't think I am ready for this part of growing up. No more baby/toddler beds, no cute little blankets, or sweet music thingys playing in their rooms at night. When did the time sneak up on me like that? I don't know how I feel about all this change so quickly. Obviously I have to suck it up and just deal with it, but seriously?!?! I just didn't think it would be happening so soon.

Will is going to be five this year. FIVE!!! He starts kindergarten right before his birthday. He can speak a little Spanish and we are teaching him German now too. My baby is growing up so fast I just feel like I'm not ready to let him go to all day school yet. He is such a little man sometimes it's hard to believe I'm really his parent. It's so surreal to know that a lot of the things he knows is because of all the things Ryan and I talk to him about. He's just so smart and funny. I know he is going to do something really great.

Alex is going to be three this year, and we are working on potty training. My little nutter butter is moving to a big boy bed and starting to not wear diapers anymore? Yesterday he was still not ready to walk and talk yet. What happened? I am absolutely petrified to face this reality. This must have been how my mom felt when I got married and moved across the country and started having babies of my own. But I don't feel like I'm as strong as her.

My boys are my everything. Forget the drama, forget the bull shit, forget the stupid clothes or new furniture, or new cars, or whatever money has been able to provide for us. There have been times where I have wished I would have waited a little longer to have kids, just so I could feel like I had some freedom to go wherever without having to get everything ready an hour before "trying" to leave. But then they tell me they love me. That I'm the best "cooker" ever. That I look beautiful, and I'm ashamed that I would ever want to wish for anything but this everyday.

Sure they stress me out sometimes, what kid doesn't do that to their parents? But honestly, screw what anybody else thinks or says. I know I am a great mom. Not good, great. Because I love my boys with everything I have, so much sometimes, I cry. I do everything I can to make sure they get an education and they eat right. But mostly I let them know I love them with all of my heart and I would do anything for them that I could. That is a great parent, and I don't need a single person to reaffirm that for me. I can see it in their eyes when they look at me, or when they smile in their sleep after I have given them a kiss when I check on them.

To my William and Alexander, you have given me everything I could ever want and I don't know how on earth I could make it one more minute without you in my life. You have taught me better than any teacher, loved me better than any other person, and I just wish I could keep you like this forever so you never leave me. My beautiful boys. I love you.

Mommy

I feel like dancing!!!

I am not exactly having a good week, but for some reason I really want to go and dance somewhere with my friends and have a great time. I need a break from all the crap happening lately. I decided to get my boobs done, which is so amazing, but I have an infection in my left one, which they are treating with anti-biotics and rest. I am worried I might start running a fever and it could spread but then again I am a hypochondriac so it makes sense for me to feel this way. So this weekend, since Ryan has weekend duty, I am taking the kids and going to KC and just taking a break.

I am going to catch up with old friends and have a drink and dance my worries away. It's been a long time since I've been able/decided to do that. I can't wait!! I am just ready for the break from reality and feeling good about myself to start up again. I just need to take a minute to slow down and mentally disappear. What makes it so great is I have a husband who completely understands and respects that I need that and is 100% supportive. He even lets me indulge in my little crushes on boy bands I see on tv with the kids.

Will is doing great in karate and starting to settle down, kinda. He is mine and Ryans kid so that doesn't last long though. Alex is so amazing, we started potty training, and so far he is ok and not scared but we need to work on timing a little bit more. I leave for my girls cruise soon, and I am so excited to do a bunch of things I have never done before. Like, be on a boat, go to Mexico, maybe go zip-lining? Who knows what I will decide to do. I get to see ancient ruins and just enjoy my family's company. No bath times or bedtimes, or school schedule to worry about. I am glad I get to do this.

Hope everyone has been doing good and they are ready for spring. It's here it's here!!

HI-YAAAHHHH!!!

Just thought I would start this one off with a bang ya know? My 4 year old is now my bodyguard, so if there is anything negative you need to discuss with me, you can take it up with him. Why is he my bodyguard you may ask? Because he is now a white belt in karate and knows how to break a board with his bare fist. That's right I said it, ok so a white belt is only a beginner but it's better than knowing nothing at all right?

Other than that tidbit of information, I really am not happy today. I was planning to go down to kc and spend the weekend with my family since Ryan has to work, but nooo, the weather decided to go and start being nasty. So instead I went to the grocery store and realized after getting there and starting to shop, how am I supposed to pick up the bottle of detergent when I can't lift over five pounds? Or the dog food bag? If I did get someone to help me get them in the cart, then how was I supposed to get them in my car/ house when I got home? This is causing a slight dilemma for me.

My stitches come out next friday, ok I just realized I didn't explain why I have stitches. I had surgery on valentine's day. Nothing major just something that I felt would make me feel better about myself and in turn help me when I am around others. No one pushed me to do it, it was for me and only me, it has nothing to do with attention or whatever anyone else would like to claim. It was solely something for me. For once I did something that had nothing to do with anyone else or their feelings or their thoughts, and it feels great to know I can make decisions without worrying about what anyone else thinks.

I am going on a cruise with my mom, aunts, and nana in about 6 weeks and I am soo excited for the break from being mommy. Not that I don't love it because there is no greater moment than when my boys cover me in kisses and tell me they love me so much. But sometimes I just want to sleep in, and be able to eat my food without anyone asking for any of it, and I can go wherever I want without loading up the kids and having to watch them like a hawk so they don't touch or break anything. It will be a nice break and it's just us girls. Plus it's my first time to mexico!!

I am hoping Ryan doesn't have to work all day everyday this weekend, I kinda miss him. I would like to have a moment or two of his time. C'est la vie.

is respect a lost artform?

I really do ponder that question almost on a daily basis. I know no one probably reads this but it feels kind of nice to get these feelings out and be able to look back on them later, hopefully with the answer to these questions in tow. I am starting to figure out during my second year of change that maybe I have given mankind too much credit when it comes to personal relationships. For a long time I was convinced that respect for another person and their feelings was just the right thing to do. Unfortunately I am wrong in that belief.

Time and time again it has been proven to me that no one cares about anyones feelings or the fact that they are a person who might have feelings at all. I feel very sad about having to face this fact and it truly breaks my heart to have to accept this from people. Especially people who have been in a very high regard to me in certain points in my life. This year of change may be the harder of the two. Coming to the realization that my eternal optimism in human compassion and understanding has been wrong and now I have to accept it, may be a breaking point for me.

I have had friends come and go, it has never bothered me because obviously there has been a reason for their removal from my life. I can accept that and move on, but when you effect my children and desert them and then have the nerve to disgrace them with your words when they are so innocent and precious, I am appalled and disgusted. In a million years, no matter how much I detested someone, I would NEVER EVER talk about their children. To anyone at anytime, that is called respect. I may not like you, but your child did nothing to me and even if they did, it is not something that is considered proper to be an adult and talk disgustingly about someone else's child. You as an adult have the responsibility to act like one and if you have a problem with someone else's child that is younger than you, you discuss it with their parent or move the hell on with your life.

I literally may throw up from some of the things I have found out being said about my precious boys. They have never, and I repeat never done anything to deserve such ignorant, appalling, flat out rude remarks to be made about them. I don't care how you feel about me. How can a person sit there, and claim to be all about living with God and being a better person then turn around and have such vulgarity come out of their mouths about one of God's most precious creations? It's just plain sick and I hope for your sake if you ever read this, you realize what a sick, twisted person you really are and you make it right.

I hope that during this year of change I can finally find some people who are genuine and really do have enough self-respect and decency to be a good human being. No matter the circumstances, no matter the cost, because being a good person, a truly good person, is worth more in the end than how many friends you have or how popular you are. Covering yourself in reaffirmations in your relationship and insignificant things your friends do with you is not worth living with the knowledge that you have truly wronged someone. I can only hope that I am not the only one who shares in this belief. Otherwise we truly are on the verge of hell on earth.

my poor baby......

Alex is the most clumsy kid on the planet, there is no denying that but he has never been seriously hurt from falling before. The kid is built like a tank, he never cries when he falls down and yet the one time he does, it is extremely serious. The poor kid almost broke his cheekbone and has the worst bruising I have ever seen. It makes me hurt and almost cry just to look at him. I have never felt so bad.

To review what happened, he was walking towards the stairs to the playground in the gym, he tripped over his huge feet, and landed face first into the side of a metal stair. Almost instant swelling and bruising, and the worst cries I have ever heard. My heart literally started breaking. We got rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, he refused to let anyone touch it (obviously), and he has to get x-rays. They went to go take his heart rate and he flipped out so to show him it wasn't scary they put it on me. My heart rate starts at 168 and when they pulled it off it was at 174. I don't know if you know this or not but your heart rate should never be that high.

As a mother, I have never been so scared, worried, terrified, sick, and angry at once. I was scared for him, worried about how bad it was, terrified he would have a serious problem, sick because of how bad it looked, and angry because I felt like it was mine and Ryan's fault. The bruising has only gotten worse the last few days, and I have never wanted to hold him and protect him more than I do now. How do you heal from a broken heart? How do you forgive yourself when something bad happens to your children that you know wasn't your fault?

I love my children more than they could ever know, nothing could ever take their place in my heart, and yet sometimes I feel that maybe I don't deserve them. I am overwhelmed with emotions at this point, feeling a little disheveled, and hoping that just because it looks bad, doesn't necessarily mean that he is in pain. I love you Alexander!!!

Here's to my 2nd year of change

Well, a whole year has come and gone. There have been some rough times, and some great times, but I think I finally did it. I started my changes that I need to make me and my life better. I got rid of a few people who were holding me down, and moved to a whole new state to start a whole new life. My babies are so big, it's crazy that they are a year older. I haven't settled on a new years resolution yet, but I have some good ideas. I will be traveling more this year, I am so grateful for that. I need the time to be without kids. I turn 25 in about five and a half months. Crazy how far I have come from where I was.

I am grateful to the true people who are in my life, for telling me the truth and being a real friend who deserves to be around me and my children. I am shocked by some of the people no longer in my life, but I guess true colors can't hide forever. Alex is two now, crazy, he seems so much older sometimes and so much younger other times. Will is about to finish pre-school and start kindergarten next year, I don't know where the time went. He can spell, and write, and do math. I have never been so proud and shocked at how much he has learned in such a short time.

We have made some great friends so far out here, which I feel is exactly what we needed. We are close enough to see our families whenever we want, but still far enough away to depend on ourselves when things get rough. Christmas was great, the boys got everything they wanted and then some. Alex had his first real birthday party, I am very glad Ryan got to be a part of it. My mom and dad were here to visit and I just soaked it in.

Ryan's brother, Jack came to stay for a few weeks. I am glad the boys got the chance to spend so much time with him. He really is so important to us. I hope everyone was safe and has an amazing new year just like I plan to. Here's to my 2nd year of change everyone!!!

ahhhhh christmastime.

I don't care if me saying christmas is not "politically correct". I don't try to get anyone to not say Happy Hannukah or Happy Kwanzaa, so don't try to change my wording either ok? It has been an interesting few weeks. I have given up on trying to form any kind of relationship with Ryan's family. I can't really get blamed for that after all the things they've said and done to me. I have just hit the end of my rope. I need a break, eventually they will notice that the only reason Ryan ever talks to any of them is because of me. He never wants to call or go see them, but that's all my fault according to them. Why can't we just be family? Why is it always, because I'm the newcomer, everything that doesn't go your way, is my fault. Don't try to deny all of it either, I know you too well.

Anyways, we have been having some problems at Will's school. Some of the kids have been telling Will his daddy is a killer and he will grow up and be one too. What a horrible thing to say to a kid. You know the parents are teaching them that too, kids don't learn those things on their own. It's just not right. So Ryan went up in uniform today to the school to talk about his job and give the kids something to think about. I wonder if it will end once and for all. I think he is doing great now that he's had time to adjust. I am very proud of him. He gets smarter and smarter everyday right in front of my eyes.

Alex is doing good, had a little bit of a stomach problem today, but let's hope it was just one time otherwise it will be a long night in my house. Especially since Ryan is on twelve hour shifts. I need some sleep, I hope that he can sleep good and feel better by tomorrow. Wish me luck on that!!

I am doing ok, this is my favorite time of year, I love to see all the lights and decorations people put up. I like the look of the decorations in my house, it makes me feel all warm and cozy inside. Plus it's a free excuse to drink hot chocolate all the time!!! I can't wait to see the kids faces when they come downstairs christmas morning and see all the presents waiting for them. It makes my year to see them so happy. I feel good, just need some sleep and a relaxing, hot, shower.

Happy Birthday to my dear ol dad!!!

Laura

are past lives real?

I have often wondered if the theory of past lives is real. There are definitely certain periods of time I feel an extreme connection to. I love history, and there quite a few time periods that I feel like perhaps, I may have been there. I have these thoughts about the time and it contradicts some of the things I've heard about it, but then I research and other people have "proof" that my so-called "thought" was correct, it reaffirms my belief that somehow, someway, I must have been there.

Let me explain the time periods I'm talking about. I am 100% completely obsessed with these time periods, and any and all information I can get I have. (I actually spend most of my free time researching these cultures and civilizations.) Ancient Egypt, (mainly the time of Cleopatra and before her, Queen Nefertiti), King Henry VIII, Titanic, Czar Nicholas II, and WWII. Why do I feel like when I hear names from this time, or when I read about anything concerning the time period, I feel like I was there? I have visions, and it almost seems like memories from being in that place.

Sometimes, they are very vivid. I can see what clothes I was wearing, or what the room I was in looked like in detail. Conversations, facial features, speech patterns, topics of conversation, all of it just hits me and I can't get it out of my head. Maybe I'm just going crazy, maybe I have a natural curiosity for those time periods and just feel like since I know so much about them I must be a part of it.

But this brings me back to the original question, do you think past lives are real? Gives you something to think about doesn't it?

searching for myself.....and losing

I have been searching for any trace of my family history for......ever now. As my mom says I should be very proud that I have gone back over 400 years. But somehow I just feel like there is something missing. I know there is more to my life and my family, deep down I know we did something great, I just can't find it. I refuse to believe that we are simply ordinary and have done nothing spectacular, there are too many of us with such big personalities for that to be a reality for me. I did find something spectacular about my mothers side though, I always knew we were native american. Come to find out, one of my great-great-great-great-great grandmothers was a very famous helper to George Washington. I knew we had something amazing in our history.

But somehow I feel this need to continue on, like there's something I am meant to discover and help fix. I need to know where this is going and why me? Why do I feel like this is my destiny, why is it that this is my need and not someone else's? I feel as though I am stuck in a losing battle, no one really keeps records that far back, and there are no records of native americans really. But I need to make sure my boys know who they are and where they came from.

That they have a rich family history, and many people who made a difference somewhere for someone. I want them to be proud and confident knowing that even though our lives aren't the greatest, we tried and that our family is still going strong and we care for each other. I wish I could just have a breakthrough and really get something spectacular uncovered soon. Wish me luck people out there, wish me luck.

Where did I go wrong?

How to even begin since it's been so long. Let's start by saying this is intensely needed in order for me to even begin to try to get back to center. Other than the fact that it seems nothing I do is adequate or acceptable, I am a whole big ball of lost. We moved to our new house 4 months ago, got everything unpacked and decorated. But it still does not feel like home. I don't know if it ever will. The people are very nice, we have made a few friends, but there is just something not completing the puzzle for me. I will let you know when I find out what that is.

Ryan and I are.........well we just are. We're not necessarily good, though not bad either. We're just.........here. Strangely I'm content with that for right now since so many other things are going on, I don't want to add any marital drama to the mix. I'm not angry, but not thrilled either. Maybe this is what it feels like when the peak of happiness in your relationship has hit and now you are starting to journey on into just being with each other. Six years is a long time to feel each other out though, don't you think?

Gus, I believe may explode one day from his weight. I have no idea how this damn dog is getting up all those stairs everyday and still have enough energy to jump on my bed at night. I am starting to get concerned for his health. But I must not be too concerned yet, because exercising him means I need to exercise too and I just don't see that happening any time soon. Thankfully though, I am not having his same issues. I think I may have actually lost a few pounds. Who knew that walking up and down three sets of stairs everyday to do laundry and clean would make me lose weight.

Alex, aaahhh, he is my golden baby. I love that little kid so much I could pop him like a pimple. He listens and helps me with chores and he does what I ask him to. Oh and he has been using the potty recently! I love his smile, he laughs everyday. The Lord truly blessed me when he gave me that child. I am so thankful for him. My life would be so much more unbearable if it wasn't for him. In alot of ways he reminds me of my mom. Kinda quiet, not really a big people person, but when he really likes you, he is so warm and sweet. Loves to hug and gives you these looks like you're the only person in the world he cares about. I hope he never changes that.

Now on to William. I don't know what I am going to do with this child, but hopefully God intervenes before I ship him out to a military school in another country. Don't get me wrong I love that little boy like there's no tomorrow, but sometimes he makes me want to rip each and every hair out of my head. Technically I know I have no one really to blame but myself. I know I should have done some things different. I guess with him I just felt like I needed to spoil him when he was the only one because his daddy left so much and I had so much to stress about. I know my temper got the best of me and maybe that's why he acts the way he does. It's not fair to yell and get so frustrated so fast when he does something wrong. But I guess I convinced myself that since he's four now, he should know the rules. They haven't changed. When does the pushing limits thing stop? I need some direction, am I just desperately trying to hold onto this hope that he doesn't have a problem? Maybe he really needs to talk to a therapist, because obviously he won't talk to me or his dad about what is really going on and why he's so angry.

If you're wondering why I keep saying he has anger issues, let me explain. Will started school in August and since his first day he has gotten in fights with four other kids. Well wait, you can't call it a fight when he's the only one hitting can you? He hits kids all the time, he yells at his teacher, he refuses to participate during class activities, and he throws tantrums in the middle of class. Where did I go wrong? He knows that's unacceptable behavior, and I guess looking back the signs were there that he has an aggression problem. But how do I fix this, is it too late for me to find a solution? Someone please guide me in the right direction.

Hope everyone has had a great summer and let's hope that next post isn't so gloomy

the time is approaching........

I am so ready to get out of this state and so many of the crazy ass people it hath spawned! We move in less than 2 weeks, thank goodness and I am still not packed and we have a BBQ on Friday. I am glad to spend one night with friends and family and people who are truly meaningful and supportive. I am just ready for it to be over.

We closed on our house about a week ago, that was insane. Shortly thereafter Shelby went back home and did all the things she swore she would never do again. I am done with everyone on Ryan's side of the family just about and I don't think anyone can blame me. I hope that this move means the start of a new era. No more broken promises, no more lies, no more tricks and evil intentions. I have no room for that in my life. I certainly don't want my kids around such things or people.

Speaking of the kids, Will is growing like a freaking weed! I barely recognize my own son and sometimes have to think about how old he is because of how tall he is and how well he talks. I am so proud. Alex is getting big too. These boys never cease to amaze me.

Ryan is good, ready to leave here and be done with all the drama. We will be shutting off our Internet and cable and all that fun stuff next week, then we leave the following Monday. I am nervous and excited and scared. This has been our life for 5 1/2 years and the only home the boys really know. I think everyone will need some adjusting, especially when the cold weather hits. Lot's of pool parties and pool days in the backyard once we move. The humidity may kill us.

I can't wait to decorate the new house, I love decorating and I am planning it all in my head as we speak. Hope everyone has a great mother's day this weekend and keep us in your prayers!!

I don't even know where to begin

Sweet lord where to begin. Things are crazy around this mad house. We have started packing and are getting everything squared away for the big move. I have officially remembered how much I hate packing and moving!!!! I wish there was an easier way, oh wait, there is!! But Ryan refuses to let other people pack our stuff and determine when we get it back. Can't say I blame him, but I really don't want to pack or clean anymore. So that's what's going on with that.

Ryan's sister is still here, I don't even know what to say about that anymore. I really am not going to say anything about it. Just know, I am reaching my limit. I can only handle so much crap from one person, I don't care how bad you are feigning for something. Lord give me strength to make it through this, I need every ounce you can give me.

We close on our house today, no idea how that is going to go, but hopefully smoothly. I would like to have someone live my life for me for the next few weeks, any takers? No? Anyone? Come on, I will trade you.

Will is completely potty trained now, thank you Jesus! Alex is still not walking, which makes me worried, but other than that he is great. Ryan is still Ryan, non-confrontational, but still griping about things and not handling them. Gus is still the lazy, fat dog we all know and love, and I.........am going to have a freaking nervous breakdown. I seriously am considering becoming a monk so I can leave and be in a place of peace. Never going to happen but worth a dream I should say.

Happy Easter Everyone!

I hope today finds all well. Lately things have been going great for us. We are almost finished with everything for the house, all that's left is closing! Ryan's sister Shelby moved in with us about a week and a half ago. Things are going good there too. She needs us and we are definitely going to be there for her.

Ryan is leaving next weekend for Phoenix, he gets to help with the NASCAR thing they have going on up there. I am trying to clear all the "dirt" out of my life. When I say dirt I mean anything that is toxic and unhealthy. Which also includes people. I have been eating better, working out (trying to at least), and ridding my conscious of all the things that bring me down. I let people's words get to me, and rather than keep giving those people the chance to continue to do so, I just quit talking to them and get rid of their energy from my life.

I think in the long run, that is the best decision I can make for me and my family. My boys need a mom who is happy and wants to play with them and at least kind of keep up with their activities. Instead I am mostly tired and crabby and I lose my temper because of all the drama I put up with from other people. So there it is, for the first time in my whole life I am letting them go and moving on.

I knew this year would be my first year of change. Happy Easter again everybody!

People confuse me

I'm sure they do you too. I just don't get it, first I am too sensitive and need to open up but not let my feelings get hurt when I get a response. I need to just worry about my family and my kids and not pay attention to anyone else, then when I say something that's on my mind and not even something to be taken seriously, you yell at me. Which thing am I supposed to be focused on?

Ryan's sister Shelby moved in with us a few days ago, which I personally feel is the best decision made for her, because we are the only stable and positive people in her life. But now everyone is sending nasty emails and starting rumors, within our own family about how she supposedly ran away and never told anyone where she was going and how we live in a fantasy world if we think we can help her. People confuse me.

How can you talk about your own family like that? How can you honestly believe someone, especially someone close to you doesn't deserve the benefit of the doubt in this situation? How can you think you are better than anyone with all the things you have done? and most importantly, how can you sit there and watch someone be so lazy, they don't a thing for themselves and are extremely rude about it, and just pretend that's acceptable? I don't understand you people!

I am losing faith in the goodness of the world, I feel like people are losing all sense of respect for themselves and their values, and God willing I am not going to let that happen in my house. I love every person and creature living under my roof, and they will no it, and they will not ever have to wonder if they mean the world to me. Maybe you should try to do the same.

What an exciting few weeks

So after a few months of house hunting, we made an offer on a house and it got accepted! So we officially have bought our first house, it is so amazing. It has four bedrooms, over 1800 sq ft, a fenced in backyard, it is so unbelievably perfect for our first house I couldn't ask for anything better. I am glad that that particular journey is over though, it was exhausting. Finding a house, falling in love with it, then before we could get our families up there to check it out for us, it got sold.

Ah, such is life I guess. I really hope this is a sign of things to come though. That things will finally work out in our favor. We, as a family, are going to have to make some major changes in our spending habits. Step one: pay off our biggest credit card then cut it up. Step two: not feel such a strong desire to eat out and start making more dinners at home. Step three: find other ways of using our free time besides shopping.

I think if we pay attention and work hard, we should be able to get everything taken care of and hopefully set ourselves up for a bright future. I am going to be job hunting when we get to Omaha and get settled. Hopefully there is a job out there I will love and make enough money to pay for child care and have some left over. That would be nice. Thank you for the support everyone!

wow alot has happened

A lot has happened in the last week or so. We finally got our taxes done today, bout time, one less thing to worry about. I went to the doctor yesterday for one more cancer screening, and after 2 more scrapes, we are officially cancer-free! It has only taken almost a year for all this to hopefully be over for good. I don't know how much more of that I could have taken. We just got home from our first family vacation, one that didn't involve taking the kids to go see family. Not that going to see them isn't great, but we finally had an adventure all on our own.

We went to San Diego, it was amazing. Saw a beach and the ocean for the first time in my whole life. What an experience, hopefully there will be more to come for our kids. Will is potty trained now, thank you Jesus! He didn't mess up his pants the entire time we were driving, which was a six hour drive! He also learned the very valuable art of peeing outside. Always a skill I highly recommend anyone to master if they will be vacationing.

Ever since Ryan came home, things have been a little stressful, searching for a house, getting things ready for the big move in a couple of months. So much to do, so little time. I hope everything works out, it really makes things easier when one or two things work themselves out. I wish Alex would finally start walking, he is almost 15 months, it has to happen sometime soon. I guess Will was about that age when he started. Things are going to start looking up, I can feel it.

It already started, first we finally got orders to move back towards our families, then we went on a real family vacation, then I got told I'm cancer free for the first time in almost a year. The only thing we need now is for the perfect house to fall into our lap and we get it before the big move. Here's to wishful thinking!